I have been busy gorging myself on movies, sex and certain foods I will have to give up when I resume the diet I must observe to keep the blood from coming out of my ass. Such are the holidays for me.
Of course, the holidays were supposed to be devoted to organizing, blog-moving and other dorky things, but before I could properly set about arranging things for 2006, it was important that I sort out 2005.
And so, without (much) further ado, I give you that which I have learned this year, part the first:
- Online dating works.
- The courts don’t always.
- Tasty Bites makes one type of heat-and-eat Indian food that is SCD-legal.
- Making your bed every day gives one an odd sense of accomplishment.
- John Waters gives good theater.
- Coffee tastes better in the yellow mug.
- Tea tastes better in the blue one.
- Given the work is interesting, I’d rather do it than a vacation.
- Del.icio.us rocks.
- Ditto Bloglines.
- Double-secret-probation ditto ELF.
- When the diet that stopped the blood from shooting out of you
like a backwards bidet specifies “fanatical adherence”, don’t be an asshole, fanatically adhere.
- Clogs are a lot like crack, only more expensive and your first taste isn’t free.
- Sometimes when The BF wants to spend 25 bucks on a doohickey from Dwell magazine, he’s right.
- After health, my well-being on a given day is most directly tied to how good my hair looks.
- I cannot begin to describe how rattling that admission is.
- Amazingly, grocery-store sushi can actually be good.
- Even more amazingly, so can something with the total asshole name of “engagement chicken”.
- Tom Leykis and Dr. Laura Schlessinger have more in common than they’d like to admit.
- I would rather design the postcard for a play than be in one.
- I’m okay with that.
- If you are the kind of chick who says “I feel more comfortable around men,” you have yet to become the super-fabulous chick you can ultimately become.
- Meyer’s Dark tastes nothing like Maker’s Mark, but they are apparently interchangeable in a noisy bar.
- You cannot, under any circumstances, turn left on a red arrow.
- If you do, it will cost you $400.
- If you don’t reply in time because it is your first mover EVER and you are too stupid to read the ticket properly, it will cost you an extra hundred and untold hours in lines at traffic court.
- A stronger prescription has absolutely zero effect on night vision.
- The Brits make the best soaps.
- The Yanks make the best trash.
- Sometimes 12″ beats 15″.
- To make a really good SCD-compliant pizza, you need to put the cheese on first.
- Then the toppings, then the sauce.
- It still doesn’t taste as good cold.
- Old boyfriends never die; they just lurk on communicatrix.
- Sometimes you have to wait to be proved the funniest boy in class, but when you do, your victory will be all the sweeter.
- Grocery-store sushi kicks ass.
- You can make a roomful of complete strangers laugh with other people’s slides and videos.
- People who drive SUVs really are ruder.
- A bunch of cats playing pop songs from the Middle Ages makes for a mesmerizing show.
- A bunch of cats howling in Icelandic makes for an even better one.
- Vegas is one and a half hours too far away to be worth it.
- Blunnies look better online than they do in person.
- No matter how many oaths I swear not to, I will always buy more books than I have shelf space for.
- The clients you think will be difficult can turn out to be your staunchest supporters.
- The clients you think will be easy will inevitably turn out to be the biggest pain in the keister.
- Given the option of any fancy entertainment available in one of the most exciting metropolitan areas in the world, I will most likely choose burgers and a movie in the ‘Deener.
- Just because someone dumps a pile of crap in your lap doesn’t mean you are obligated to keep it.
- The best movie of the year is less than 90 minutes long and has a kid wiping spooge on school lockers.
- The Americanos are best at Kings Road and the eggs are best at Lulu’s, but overall best breakfast score goes to Backdoor Bakery.
- To spare yourself untold private misery and public humiliation, change the default setting on your blog software to “draft.”