1. There is a reason people are bigger here and it is called “potatoes”.
2. Anyone who doubts the multiculturalism and quick wit of small town America has not worn pigtails, walked down a main street and had two brothers in a bright yellow TransAm yell “Pippi Longstocking!” at her out the window.
3. One-way streets may be the greatest traffic flow control device since the stoplight.
4. There are still places that exist where a house costing $200,000 is considered overpriced.
5. Even when the house is really nice.
6. And doesn’t have wheels.
7. If you troll the unfamiliar neighborhoods of a small town in a rental car at slow speeds, prepare to be scrutinized with an intensity that big city liquor store owners can only begin to approximate.
8. If you troll the sidewalks of a college town and are over the age of 25, prepare to feel more invisible than a straight woman at the Gold’s Gym in Hollywood.
9. When visiting land-locked states and given a choice between the fish or the beef, pick the beef. Seriously.
10. You can take the smartass out of the city, but you can’t take the smartass out of the smartass…
Photo of an actual house that costs $200,000, including the parcel of land equal in size that abuts it.
Yup, cute house, overpriced. Where were you? I grew up in Ames, Iowa. You just described my area, college town (iowa state univ) and all.
“There are still places that exist where a house costing $200,000 is considered overpriced.”
That wouldn’t even get you studio-sized condo in the most bullet-riddled, junkie-filled building in San Francisco. Houses in the worst neighborhoods covered with bars are now up to $700,000. You wouldn’t get a yard that big either unless you were willing to pay over $950,000.
“If you troll the sidewalks of a college town and are over the age of 25, prepare to feel more invisible than a straight woman at the Gold’s Gym in Hollywood.”
Another thing that wouldn’t happen to you in San Francisco, though some men maybe looking at your clothes and shoes, rather than you.
“When visiting land-locked states and given a choice between the fish or the beef, pick the beef. Seriously.”
I always wondered about that. Of course, I was nauseous for twenty minutes after I heard that people in Denver eat sushi.
You’ve lived too long on the coast, my friend.
MOST of the U.S. is like what you’re describing.
We outnumber you.
Red States! Red States! Evil is amongst us. AARGH!!!!!!
I’m impressed you were able to clock the trans-am. How did you know they were brothers? I thought all slack jawed yokels looked the same. They could have been uncle-cousins. Oh, wait, you were in the midwest, not the south, sorry, my mistake.
bf
~Dawn – I’m in beautiful, downtown Bloomington (IN, not MN). College towns…the last bastion of civilization in flyover America.
WriteP – SF was my first choice of places to live after I graduated; Berkeley was second. Unfortunately for me, NYC was cheaper. Oh, well…
Laura – “You’ve lived too long on the coast, my friend.” Tell me about it, sister…
Fred – Careful, son. Those crackers have good aim.
BF – Oh, come on: the TransAm bit was poetic license. It could have been a Pinto, for all I know. But it was yell-o. And they were brothers—or at least, they were “bruthas”. I don’t know if they were brother “bruthas”….
Is there a Starbucks anywhere near that $200,000 house?
Bizarre! I guessed your photo was taken in Bloomington. I was there just a couple of weeks ago. Not much to do in Indiana, but the people are nice and polite.
Neil – too close for my tastes, but there’s also a kickass independent coffee shop that almost makes up for it.
Dave – the only thing to do in Indy is absorb the scenery, I guess…
As for Writeprocrastinator’s comment above, what with those airplane and freezer thingies they have now, fish can actually be transported for some distance and remain edible. Note that expensive toro in Japan often comes thousands of miles before it’s eaten.
Note, also, that even the sushi you’re eating there in the narrow cultural habitable zone along the coasts has almost certainly been frozen.
There does exist in the world something called “fresh-water fish”.
Our house here is appraised at $100,000 — 5 bedrooms, double garage, basement, air conditioning, 1/4 acre with trees, bat infestation.
In North Dakota you can get a pretty good, livable house for $20,000. 15 years ago it was $3,000.
Derek – I think we have to go with the “30-minute fuggedaboutit” rule here on fish ANYWHERE outside of the body of water they’re hoisted out of. As in, if the restaurant is more than 30 minutes away from a major international airport, fuggedaboutit. And don’t get me wrong: I {heart} the Midwest (I’m from Chicago…we’re diehards) and all that. But fish is notoriously difficult to cook well, and there is a small percentage of cooks who are adept with it. Charlie Trotter could kick the fish-cooking ass of 99% of the chefs in the L.A. metro area, but Bloomington is so small, they don’t have a Charlie Trotter. Even the “nice” restaurants may not have a chef who can cook fish.
Besides, it was (mostly) a fucking joke. I like fucking jokes, ‘k?
John – I’ve talked about fish enough. Let’s talk about your house. No, wait–let’s not. I’ll just get depressed…
In Minnesota you can good, fresh fish in restaurants. So there. But not salmon or halibut, etc.
Colleen, I wasn’t going after you, just one of your commentors. I remembered that you were from that part of the country, so you’re entitled to say whatever you want (just like I can make Arkansas jokes). Sushi snobbery is similar to wine snobbery, just (if anything) more annoying and less justified.
But since I mention Arkansas, let me put in a plug for fried catfish.
I have nothing to add to the fish debate that’s going on here, but all of this talk about fish sure is makin’ me hungry. I’m gonna go get me some fucking sushi right now!