Cheering the Hell Up, Day 16: Peace & quiet is the flip side of childlessness
A former partner used to hammer me on the subject of children and the importance of family with the warning that if I chose not to have the former and spend a lot of time with the latter, I would end up alone—and, by extension, miserable.
While the game is (I hope) far from over, I’m fairly sure he was wrong. There is something to be said for blood being thicker than water, but spending a shitload of Sundays splashing around in the gene pool ain’t necessarily the answer to the question of happiness; spending time and effort building relationships built upon a foundation of truth and mutual respect probably is. I live a life resplendent with love, friendship and joy thanks to the many who sign on every day with their heads and hearts, regardless of shared DNA.
Don’t get me wrong: I have nothing against children and family; they’re just not top priorities for me. Or, if you like, I’m not judging—”I’m just sayin’,” as the kids say*.
What has always been top priority for me is seeking truth. For whatever reason, I need copious amounts of alone time to do it, so spawning and/or adopting would be irresponsible. My only regret is that it took me so long to see this and put a name to it. I caused a lot of people unnecessary pain because I was such a clueless doofus. If any of you are reading this now, I apologize.
My wish for everyone is to find the thing that truly makes you tick and run with it. Reorganize your life around it. Make no apologies for it. Make no excuses for staying away from it.
But along with it, consider cultivating an understanding and appreciation for the choices you didn’t make, and some understanding for the people who did. If you have questions about how they live their lives, perhaps mull them over to yourself before shouting about it from the rooftops or your AM radio show.
Some of us really need the peace and quiet…
xxx
c
*Although having seen the impact of high population on our tiny earth, I’d feel better if some people weren’t reproducing with such zeal.
Photo by rbaez via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license
TOPICS: 21 day salutes, Cheering the Hell Up™, child-free, children, choice, communicatrix, life.
12 Comments, Comment or Ping
~Dawn
Great choice of picture, love it.
Jun 10th, 2006
Masale.Wallah
Hi,
I’ve been reading your blog faithfully for over a year now but this is my first comment. Just wanted to let you know that I find your writings quite inspirational and very humorous.
Thanks!
P.S. Ditto on the choice of photo. Is it of a painting?
Jun 10th, 2006
ellie
Found your blog via Ms Syl’s BIFL post.
And if ever there was a topic to reel me in, you got it!
I am childless by choice. I am married. We can have children. We choose not to for a number of reasons. (The world is already overpopulated. I was adopted and think that is a good option. We like our life as is. We travel. Blah Blah Blah. We have our reasons for not having kids.)
But, generally, our reasons aren’t ‘good enough’. There’s only 1 excuse that shuts the majority of people up: “oh, I can’t have kids.” It’s a lie I employ when I’m not in the mood to explain myself.
I am happy with my CHOICE. Having children is the most important thing anyone will do. But, all to often it is not a thought-out choice. It is the expectation that one has children. It is the next logical milestone after marriage.
The attitude that really chaps my ass is the ‘oh, that’s a selfish choice to make.’
Generally I bite my tongue. When I’m feeling rabid, I’ll retort. I would argue that having children is just as selfish — and more dangerously so because the impact is so much greater. What is selfless about the choice to have children? Yes, parents (the good ones) have to be selfless — have to live for their kids — once they make that choice. However, what motivates that choice? The desire to spread ones seed. The desire to see the genetic mix. The desire to love and be loved back. Does the unconceived child have any say in the matter? No, the choice to make a baby is motivated - I would say - purely by selfish instincts.
Phew. You got me going. Sorry to take up so much space on your blog.
Cheers,
e
Jun 10th, 2006
Ricardo Baez-Duarte
I am honored to find my photo posted in your article.
I must say that I understood every bit of it and agree with you.
Perhaps its rather cumbersome to admit this since I am the proud
father of my son and daughter, they jointly with my wife, make my happiness.
I apply to them your conclusions :”spending time and effort building relationships built upon a foundation of truth and mutual respect probably is. I live a life resplendent with love, friendship and joy thanks to the many who sign on every day with their heads and hearts, regardless of shared DNA.” since my family “sign” every day in my real blog, my life, and it is precisely the foundation of truth and mutual respect what nourishes our family relation.
But this is just one aspect of the truth and certainly not the whole truth. Your truth is equally valid and is a matter of choice.
The problem is just “common robot people” who can not try other coordinate systems beyond theirs. It is a matter of braveness to try to set one self in other coordinates and feel as if they were our natural setting.
There are “invariants” under several coordinate systems, in the physical sense. And the same applies to philosophies, one of these invariants is the search of truth, respect, and meaning relationships.
Keep going, your integrity is inspiring
Jun 11th, 2006
Colleen
~Dawn - I know, isn’t it amazing? Damn, I love Flickr…
Masale - Welcome, and thank you! I hope you’ll come back and chime in again. And no, that’s really a photo. That Ricardo, he’s a genius!
ellie - I’m still catching up with the reading Ms. Syl threw at me. Thanks for stopping by. You can take up as much space here as you like, sister.
Ricardo - No, I am honored that you saw fit to drop by and comment. I love that photo. It is perfection. Thanks for the use of it, and thanks also for the kind words. It is nice to know I am not a voice alone in the wilderness.
Jun 11th, 2006
Paul Worthington
Ricardo - That is a really evocative photo. It is also puzzling, in that I look at it its simple subject and can’t figure out why it is so compelling.
Colleen - My three sisters, mothers all, continuously advocate I have children; I always respond that I have nothing against the idea, it is just not a top priority. It is #11 on my top ten list of things to do, and has held that position for two decades.
Like you, my focus is on creative fulfillment, and building meaningful long term friendships based on some mutual interests.
And hey, like you I now live in California — but was born in the Midwest [just outside of Chicago] — and spent the last week back there. I was in Chicago three days for a conference, and enjoyed some relatively rare great weather, as well as a very funny show at Second City.
Paul
Jun 11th, 2006
Erik
Colleen,
I found this post really moving and I totally agree with you. We need to focus on our own personal loves and truths to be happy. I think that when people have kids as a solution (the “when I have kids, THEN I’ll be happy” rationale) they’re doing such a disservice to those children. The kids are the ones who end up not being happy (along with their parents) because they aren’t “the answer,” per se, and those kids end up feeling that. Finding “the thing that truly makes you tick and [running] with it”–AMEN, yes, that IS the answer. Now, that thing might be kids for some people, certainly. But it might not be, and no one has the right to say otherwise. (Though a lot of people in our country sure do love to tell the rest of us what is morally right and wrong and how we should and shouldn’t live our lives.) (Ug.)
As far as my path goes, I so look forward to being a parent. From all of my experiences with kids, I know that being a parent–well, that’s part of my makeup. It’s something I’m supposed to do (eventually).
But I’m glad that I’m gay and that conceiving a child isn’t something that I’m going to, like, accidentally do anytime soon, because I have no desire to spread my DNA. Not that it’s bad DNA (it’s great DNA!), I just feel like, yes, overpopulation IS a huge problem and too many kids are bein’ had just for the “wanting to perpetuate one’s DNA” reason, and at the same time there are so many amazing kids out there who NEED parents and don’t have ‘em, so I eagerly look forward to adopting. I wish that was an option that more people considered. (I wish that those people who are so busy overpopulatin’ the world ‘cuz they wanna spread their DNA–would consider it some more.)
(This “Cheering the Hell Up” series is rockstar, by the way. Love it.)
(And my very young mother thanks you for the birthday wishes.)
Jun 11th, 2006
emma
As an only child and obsessive reader of books I love peace and quiet too. Being an only child also shielded me of many of the realities of looking after little kids. I had two kids (now 5 and 3) and while they are adorable in many ways, I really really miss the silence. Good on you for choosing peace over kids (for now!)
Jun 11th, 2006
Alison
I have two children who currently live with their father in France. I moved back to the States three months ago to start a new life. Some saw me as selfish. I just knew that I had to get my shit together in order to be a better mother.
While I miss my children terribly, I will say that I appreciate the freedom that I have now. Perhaps this is selfish. I don’t know. I gave up so much when I became a mother, and now that my kids are a little older and in their father’s care, I am getting myself back.
So I don’t begrudge you your choice. Funnily enough, I never considered NOT having kids, but sometimes — in light of this new situation I am in — I wonder if I was really meant to become a mother.
Your post really spoke to me. And that photo? Beautiful.
Jun 11th, 2006
communicatrix
Paul - “11 on my top 10 things to do” is my new-favorite saying. I thank you for it.
Erik - I’ve no doubt you will be a lovely father and that I’ll enjoy any time spent around your children. Would that more thoughtful folk like you were doing the heavy lifting of parenting…
Emma - I can’t say that I actively chose as much as I kept putting off what many described to me as the inevitable. Had I gotten impregnated, I’d like to think I’d have risen to the occasion. But I am equally glad to have been born with an unfriendly womb or to have hooked up with dudes shooting blanks. I’m much better around kids as a friendly, concerned adult than the one doing the parenting.
Alison - My heart goes out to you. Not an easy decision that you made. Sounds like a good and thoughtful one, though. I hope it works out well for you and the rest of your family. And yes, that photo fucking kicks ass. I wish I could begin to figure out how you take a photo like that…
Jun 12th, 2006
BritGirl
Came across your blog and this post. I am also childfree by choice and very happily married. You are not selfish. Congrats for being able to make the choice - it isn’t easy and it is made even harder by people who cannot accept the choices of others. Anyway, may I recommend having a look at this blog - Purple Women…I contribute there to this blog, but more to the point, there are lots of likeminded positive people there. Makes you feel less alone when you know that there are others like you out there! Purple Women is also listed on BloHer so you can also find it there. Nice blog by the way.
Jun 17th, 2006
sparrow
I was desperate to have kids for all the reasons mentioned above, it was a huge source of regret to me that i didn’t and am now too old, but now i am living with my step children, who are really wonderful and are as good as gold, except, they are often boisterous and noisy, and after living in adult only households all my life, i am often desperate to find a bit of peace and quiet, as i have learned to value my time at the end of the day to unwind, reflect, and process the events of the day, which is often impossible around children who wish to engage with you on an energetic level.
they are not doing anything wrong, but it has helped me to put a perspective on the reality of living with kids is like, and discovering what my needs really are.
Sep 13th, 2006