(Blue) List Wednesday: How to Swear Like The Communicatrix!
It occurs to me that over the years, I have honed my swear vocabulary to a few tried and true favorites and a few (I think) completely made up swears. In the interest of sharing—or, more appropriately, in the interest of sharing to get you to share—I’m spilling them here, along with a brief provenance, where necessary.
Assmünch (n) (ass-moonch’) Coined during the run of a play where all 36 of us were speaking with a different accent. Originally conceived in an act of extreme passive-aggressive frustration with a genial buffoon, it has with time mellowed to describe sort of a…genial buffoon. But, you know, with more affection.
A-holio. (n) Fairly self-explanatory. I think it has a bit more playful flair than your garden variety “a-hole”. Definitely a nod in here to the great Mike Judge and Cornholio.
A-hole-a, rock-and-roll-a. (expression of frustration, usually uttered in car after a particularly egregious moving violation by a fellow driver) Written in iambic pentameter, it’s important to chant this in the same rhythm of the line “Got a condo made of stone-a” from Steve Martin’s comedy classic, “King Tut“, preferably whilst turkey-bobbing one’s head, to mimic the look of someone singing along with one’s favorite song on the radio.
Motherfuck. (extreme exclamation of dismay) Useful after dropping a large bowl of something sticky on a freshly-washed kitchen floor, or inadvertently deleting the contents of one’s hard drive.
Move your kiester, meester. (see “a-hole-a…” above) Not to be used for extreme driving infractions, this is more the verbal equivalent of foot-tapping or finger-drumming.
Crap on a cracker! (mild exclamation of dismay) Sort of the swear equivalent of “well, I’ll be!”
Fuckmeister. 1. (n) an egregious a-holio; 2. (exclamation) a more extreme version of Shit on a shingle. (Note: when used to describe the former, accent is on the first syllable; for the latter, the second.)
Fuck my potatoes. (exclamation of mild-to-medium dismay; see “shit on a shingle”) Honestly, I have no idea how I came up with this one. But it has come to be my favorite swear, by far. I use it at least once a day.
Fuck you, assfuck. (expression of extreme umbrage) To be used exclusively in the car, with the windows rolled up, at a safe distance from object of umbrage. Safety first, people.
So, you know, in case James Lipton never gets around to it: what’s your favorite swear?
xxx
c
UPDATE: Thanks to Erik for this ancient (but still excellent) link to celebrity swears.
TAGS: swearing, swears, swear words, expletives, colloquialisms
Photo by d_m_b via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
TOPICS: communicating, List-o-rama!, swears.
22 Comments, Comment or Ping
lauren
I’m a big fan of “shitfuckpiss” in quiet frustration and “auuuuuuuuughMOTHERFUCKER!” for an infraction by a specific individual. But, being a Texan, you can’t go wrong with “dammit”.
Jul 12th, 2006
Curtis M Sawyer
A couple we used in college were BBIJ (pronounced Bib-ege). Stood for Bird-Brained Idiot-Jerk. The beauty of this is it could be used within hearing distance of the target. Same with BHH (pronounced Bah-hah-hah). Stood for Butt Hair Head. I really don’t know where the hell we got these from.
I use “Sonsovbitches!” a lot, but with an 8-month old at home I have to be careful these days. When she was born my wife told me, “If her first word is ‘Cocksucker’ then you are a dead man!”
;-)
Jul 12th, 2006
ellie
‘Ya Jack Ass’ in an exaggeratedly American accent gets lots of appreciation from my British colleagues. I love appreciation so I overuse it.
‘Cara de Culo’ (Face of Ass) for uptight little cunts who irk me in so many ways (being mean and nasty and cutting you in line as if they have the right).
‘Uptight little cunt’ is a nice one that has its time and place as well.
Jul 12th, 2006
uma
i don’t know why but many, many years ago i started saying this….
“fuck me twice and roll me over”
it is not an actual preference.
most recently i’ve added “christ on a stick”.
there it be.
Jul 12th, 2006
david
Jesus Fuck Munch. don’t ask. Asshat is a big one. And ‘don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya’ is a favorite.
Jul 12th, 2006
communicatrix
lauren - it’s true: all swears sound better w/ a Texas accent
Curtis - your daughter is so gonna be sitting in the “time out” chair in kindergarten
ellie - I’d forgotten “ya jack ass” (although I’m never w/o my horrible, American accent)—a tried but true swear if ever there was one.
uma - so clean, so simple; I am also a fan of “christ on a bicycle”. christ non-swears are the best
david - those are some fine colloquialisms. your clients like it when you haul those out, do they?
Jul 12th, 2006
Bon
I thought *I* was the only one who said “Crap on a Cracker”!! Wow!
My favorite over-cussing put-down is “Clit-flicking cunt-sucking twat.” But I never really get to say it to anyone, as it’s just so so so so offensive to some people. (Pssh! People!)
I am a WAY over-cusser. I do it far too much.
Even when it’s just to say something is fan-fucking-tastic.
I’m so going to H-E-double-hockey-sticks.
Jul 13th, 2006
Curtis M Sawyer
One in college again (I blame too much wine) was “Death Eating a Cracker”. But it was used more to describe someone who looked sick/hung-over/just woke up. As in, “She looks like Death eating a cracker!”
Jul 13th, 2006
d_m_b
Hey, nice to see someone making good use of my stupid photos!
As for my favourite swearword, it varies. Currently it’s either ‘Jesus Shitting Christ’ if I’m particularly exasperated, or ‘cuntchops’ when referring to someone I am pissed off with. ‘I don’t give a flying fuck’ is always good too.
Jul 13th, 2006
Mitch
My darling daughter got a great start years ago, reducing another 3-yr old to tears by calling him a “loose poop.”
Jul 13th, 2006
Rick
That was awesome, Dickwad! to be honest, “Dickhead” is still my favorite multi-use tool.
Jul 13th, 2006
Russell
“Sweet merciful crap!” and “crap on a stick”
The former is more an expression of dismay than anger.
Jul 13th, 2006
Jeremy Cherfas
My Canadian friend swears by “Jumpin’ Jesus in a sidecar”.
I like “fuckpisshsi”t a lot myself, particularly when I am swearing at myself or blind fortune, rather than someother dickhead.
“Hung like a gorilla” only works among primatologists.
Jul 14th, 2006
Agnostic
Re: “Crap on a cracker,” the Spaniards say “Me cago en la hostia,” which means “I shit on the host” — i.e., that Catholic wafer thing. Has the same basic meaning as yours.
Jul 14th, 2006
Yahmdallah
Yours are very good.
Mine (lamer) are:
Hot Damn on a Cold Rock. - mild dismay
Fuckin’ B! - when it’s not an “A” class Fuckin’
Holy Cow on a Sacred Stick! - my kid friendly expression of shock, but only Hindus seem to get it
Jul 14th, 2006
Rex
With kids in the house I’ve got to watch my language, so over the years I’ve developed strange alternatives. “Poodles!” for instance, to express dismay instead of “Dammit!” Likewise, to avoid the use of “fart” my wife settled on “barney” many years ago (don’t ask, I have no idea), and now it’s standard usage. I barney, you barney, he barnied. They don’t even think about it anymore. It’s all fine around the house, but what about when some tough guy in a bar spills my drink and I shout, “Poodles!” I’m a little worried.
Jul 14th, 2006
Writeprocrastinator
“Fuck my potatoes. (exclamation of mild-to-medium dismay; see “shit on a shingle”) Honestly, I have no idea how I came up with this one. But it has come to be my favorite swear, by far. I use it at least once a day.”
Heh-heh-heh, that cracked me up!
I hope that isn’t from the old saying, “all that meat and no potatoes.”
“Crap on a cracker!”
Sounds like subconcious variation of “shit on a shingle” or, “S.O.S.” as the acronym went. The lovely chipped beef on toast that was served in the military and unfortunately, I got to try in the Boy Scouts.
Another military acronym that found its way into the American lexicon is “snafu” which nobody realizes is cussing. “Situation normal, all-fucked up.”
Jul 15th, 2006
communicatrix
Bon - I think I actually picked up “crap on a cracker” from my favorite inspirational intuitive, Eddie Conner, who often employs colorful expressions he picked up from his Southern boyhood. He used a modified version of it to describe something not-so-great (e.g., she looked like death on a cracker) but I think my bastardized version is a portmanteau swear combining that and the old military term for cream chipped beef on toast that Writepro. talks about.
Curtis - YES! That’s really close to Eddie’s swear! More, please!
d_m_b - Glad you approve. Drop by and swear anytime.
Mitch - I think your daughter should invite me over for a swear tea party.
rick - “Dickwad” is the Dick York to “Dickhead”’s Dick Sargent. (Or was that the other way around?)
Russell - “sweet merciful” anything is a great swear. ChicagoTrev was always good at milking a warmup like that.
Jeremy - again, gotta love them jeebus swears
agnostic - you’re just saying that because you hate jeebus
Yahmdallah - don’t sell yourself short, my friend. Especially if you’re delivering the goods with some kind of non-American accent
Rex - What the fuck do you mean, watching your fucking language around the fucking kids? How the fuck are they going to learn how to fucking swear properly if you don’t fucking teach them? Asshat…
Writep. - What is this old saying you speak of? Should I Google it?
And I love that SNAFU bit. People are dumb. Ha ha! Dumb people!
Jul 16th, 2006
Curtis M Sawyer
Along the lines of SNAFU:
- FUBAR (Sometimes written as “FooBar”) = Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition
And for the military/DoD folks out there:
- Something has Gone “Tango Uniform” = It has gone “Tits Up” (and that is not a good thing - I guess when someone drowns they float on their backs, or maybe it just means dead on your back - maybe someone has the background on this one). Generally used to express that something is fucked up.
- Sometimes people talk about someone going “FIGMO” when they want to indicate the person is just killing time before moving on to another assignment/job/etc. FIGMO = Fuck It, Got My Orders
And lastly, people use the expression all the time “Everyone and their brother…”. As in, “Everyone and their brother was at the damn beach in Jersey this weekend!”. My wife tailored it a bit and uses instead, “Eveyone and their dog…”
And I guess one more that I’ll share that I used the other day and surprised my wife because she had never heard it (not really a swear). “Long pole in the tent”. It is not what it sounds like. Instead, it refers to what is preventing you from doing something, as not having the long pole up in the center of the tent will prevent you from raising the tent. Example: “The long pole in the tent with trying to get to the beach this weekend is that there is no gas in the car.”
And one I’ve started to use that I’ve picked up from The Economist is “small beer” for somthing that is minor. “Getting the car filled up with gas is small beer compared with fighting traffic all weekend to get to the shore.” Or, “The current situation in the Middle East is no small beer.”
Ok, now I’ll quit. But you did ask for it. ;-)
Jul 17th, 2006
SFGary
Oh, great! I surf by and find a bunch of interesting swear words I have to memorize and add to my vocabulary of buttwipe, mofo and fuckwad seem so limited. The comment section also has some good additions…
Jul 17th, 2006
Writeprocrastinator
“Writep. - What is this old saying you speak of? Should I Google it?”
It comes from a song, that much I knew and apparently, Fats Waller co-wrote. Old jazz and blues cats would drop that lingo in front of me when a woman was top heavy or bottom heavy.
http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiMEATNOPO.html
Jul 21st, 2006
Bon
Okay, wait. Is this the first time that Your Favorite Ex-BF has been named ChicagoTrev?
That’s new (to me… but I’ve been woefully non-blog-reading lately).
“Fuck me running backwards” is another favorite exclamation, usually best said after stubbing a toe, I’ve found.
Jul 21st, 2006