Why following your bliss might not feel blissful
Some things are simple. Some things are easy. (And, it should go without saying to anyone living in the early part of the 21st Century, some things are neither.)
There are even rare times—those Kojak-parking, traffic-lights-synchronized, buy-a-lotto-ticket days when you’re really, really cooking with gas—that things are both simple and easy.
But the quickest route to heartache is confusing simple with easy. Because in the context of goals, they couldn’t be more different.
A (good) goal can be expressed in terms that are fairly simple: get married; lose 10 pounds; balance checkbook. Rarely, however, is that simple goal an easy one to accomplish. How do you go about finding someone you’d even want to marry, much less create a relationship that leads to marriage? If 10 pounds is so easy to lose, why are people constantly having to lose the same 10?
And don’t get me starting on the #%@^ checkbook.
I’ve found myself running up against this simple-is-not-easy maxim repeatedly lately, and to an extent that is pretty deeply humiliating. In fact, the sheer act of writing this piece is pretty deeply humiliating: what ordinarily flows easily is resisting with a stubbornness and tenacity the likes of which I’ve not experienced since I had to create bullshit “science” copy for a P.O.S. hand lotion. “Micro-particles absorbed quickly and easily, leaving no smooth, hydrated skin with no greasy film” my ass.
What’s triply frustrating (because it’s hot as a troll’s nasal cavity today, and that’s two) is that this is the first time in my life where not-easy is proving really…well, hard.
Working my way up the adhole chain in my 20s? Not particularly easy—there were long hours and mountains of shit to shovel—but nothing like this.
Becoming a working actor? Or dumping that to hang out my own shingle?
Leaving my marriage? Getting over the Crohn’s?
Hard, hard, hard & hard, to be sure.
At least, that’s what I thought, until I ran up against this.
And what, pray tell, is this “this” of which I speak?
Exactly.
It gets exponentially more difficult when you know what the goal is philosophically (”To be a joyful conduit of truth, beauty and love”) and even particularly (to help people find their Truth by sharing my own journey through writing and speaking) but there are no paths laid out. Or the paths take the shape of sweeping, Yoda-esque maxims (”the change, be”). This is a fucking poet’s life, for chrissakes; who signed me up for this?!
I did, of course, with each choice I made along the way. Start choosing truth and there’s no going back to the other. Take the red pill, and taking the blue pill is no longer an option. Some days I’m fine with it; most of the days, however, are really, really not-easy lately.
Friends help. Tribe members, especially a good mix of old and new. Those who’ve known you a while help show you that the excruciatingly incremental growth you’ve been experiencing is actually mildly impressive; those who are new to you accept the You you’ve grown into, and make Future You seem achievable.
Routines help. I’ve instituted a daily walk in the morning for a week now. For a non-morning person, this not only constitutes a huge achievement, but creates some (healthy) shape to my day.
Speaking of achievements, I can’t overstate the importance of folding relatively easy, short-term projects into the mix. Getting a sinkful of dishes or the kitchen floor washed . Burning through a to-do list or a time-delimited assignment. Saving up for something. Planning even a small party.
Writing a blog post.
I’m profoundly grateful for the small, hardy group of fellow travelers that have assembled here at communicatrix. The feedback I get in the comments and via email helps keep me going, both because it feeds me and keeps me on my toes. There is always something new to think about or puzzle out or grapple with.
I am glad we’re walking the goddamned path together. Even—or especially—when things get a little hard…
xxx
c
Image by emdot via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
TOPICS: change, life.
32 Comments, Comment or Ping
GirlPie
A lot of people (and bloggers) seem to be going through this stalled-ish period right now (not that that makes it any easier), but I found some comfort in the hippy-dippy fact that Jupiter (I think) has just recently gone into retrograde until September. I don’t recall all the details but what I read made a case for thinking of this time, not as a backwards/retrograde movement, but as a time for self discovery and introspection. Not to go backward, but to look inward.
At least it made me feel good; as if I’d learned I just had a cold (a body’s way of slowing you down and refocusing). It’s not MY fault I’m feeling crummy/incompetent/unsatisfied/longing/etc. It’s JUPITER’S fault — and it’ll end on a specific date, and in the meantime, we can all take care to look inward, and not let it get us too down.
Thanks for forcing the post, it’s a good’un.
May 16th, 2008
Angie
Newbie or veteran, we’re here to give you that kick in the rump when needed.
Overwhelmed; burnout; routine; unappreciated; unsure…..I’m thinking one or a few of these would fit most of us right now, it’s comforting knowing you’re not alone. YOU make it ok to talk about, please don’t stop.
“This too shall pass” AND, if you’re really serious, I need help pulling weeds! ;)
May 16th, 2008
Mary Ellen
For some reason this post reminds me of that delirium when I first learned how to ride a two-wheel bike. So intoxicating–the impossible joy!–then the sudden awareness that mom no longer had her hand on the back of the seat, then the taste of grass. I don’t know why that awareness moves in and creates all that turmoil. You’re on one helluva ride (and taking us with you) so don’t let the absence of well-trodden paths stop you. There was a reason you fled the well-trodden paths, micro-particles and all. Poets have no choice–survival depends on it. Why is it that self-doubt can call into question the legitimacy of what moments ago felt like vital work? And, in fact, IS vital work? I hate it when that happens.
May 16th, 2008
Andrew
Friends and routines definitely help. The friends give us the grounding that we need to keep from drifting too far into our own heads while the routines give us the structure we need to stay motivated.
Being able to break the big world-changing plans down into small manageable pieces is also an important point. We love to conceive of big goals that are going to make everything better but they’re elusive as they are beautiful. The real substance is in the small changes and steps that accumulate into something big.
May 17th, 2008
annie
Are you in my head lady??!!! Ugh. The path. Man, can I relate. This is the path I want to be on, yet, why can’t it be a bit f’in easier? A hand to boost me thru. A contact to give me “that job.” A something to remind me I’m even on it anymore!
Yet, when I think of another path, I instantly want to vomit.
And I like what ANDREW wrote. ‘The real substance is in the small changes and steps that accumulate into something better.’
We need you. So, you can’t stop.
May 17th, 2008
Jared Goralnick
I totally feel what you’re going through–when the goals are mostly for yourself and the achievements are often intangible, progress seems so elusive. But I think you’re figuring it out, Colleen.
Sometimes, even when you know what you want, you have to let is sit for a little while before it really takes the shape of action.
I think the biggest challenge in growth is that the articulation of a vision isn’t always consistent with what you want deep down. Sometimes actions speak louder than even the most carefully chosen words. After the two have battled it out for a little while, the cognitive dissonance dissipates and there you have yourself–grown up and content.
Take your time–there’s light at the end (and productivity!) at the end of the tunnel.
May 17th, 2008
the communicatrix
GirlPie - Well, I’m woo-woo friendly. I just take what’s presented to me as a meditation on what I’m going through. And I liked this bit from a quick search on Jupiter retrograde:
Decluttering mode, in geekspeak.
Angie - You’re right—everyone is always grappling with something, except in those weird times when everything is going smoothly. I guess we hold those up as a standard: that’s the way things always should be, instead of recognizing it’s the way things sometimes are.
Mary Ellen - Ha! Great analogy. Because anything is really like that until you get a handle on it (no pun intended), and then you’re onto the next “learning to ride” experience.
Andrew - Exactly! If I can take care of small things, the big thing will take care of itself. Hard to trust it though. I keep digging up my lima beans to see if they’ve sprouted.
Annie - It’s funny–like me, you’ve actually gotten a lot of external validation that you’re on the right path. But it’s hard to see b/c in b/w the big signposts (uh, Groundlings much?) there’s so much fucking unpaid, oft-unappreciated (at least, out loud) work. You hang tough and so will I, okay, kid?
Jared - Thank you, my new friend, for the validation :-) It’s practically indecent how wise and accomplished you are at your age, but I’m glad to call you tribe, young dude.
May 17th, 2008
Alexis
As the wise comments ahead of me indicated, this seems to be swirling in the ethers for many of us right now. I hear you, sistah!
In the midst of what seems like great momentum, suddenly comes confusion, overwhelm, and … the doldrums. No wind of inspiration. No clear direction, when just days before everything seemed lined up.
For me, this usually ends up manifesting in some sort of cold or physical stalling out, reminding me to just stop for a while, regroup, and be in the moment. It usually happens when I get too far outside of my inner self, trying to make my soul purpose fit into a box I think others will deem worthy. Thank you for prodding me into pondering this! It’s a good reminder for myself, (as I sit here with a stomach bug - ugh.)
You are a magnet for a pretty amazing community of people, Colleen! Keep up the great work that you’re doing!
May 17th, 2008
Alexis
Oh! Oh! P.S. Check this out! Following your advice, Colleen, I just went to the Blogher site, and THIS is the first thing I saw:
http://www.blogher.com/#nofollow
(So I DO need your help, because I don’t even know how to include a proper link in the comment box!)
Cheers!
May 17th, 2008
ginevra
this reminds me of one of my favorite lines in Waking Life: “As the pattern gets more intricate and subtle, being swept along is no longer enough.”
thank you for writing this - it is good to know we are not alone on the path!
May 17th, 2008
Florence
Your HONESTY rocks!! Woo hoo.
I know that the chance meetings of love and beautiful karmic energy matter!! I know that I am here to notice the divine in a simple email from a colleague saying hi and connecting me to another kindred spirit.
As i write I am listening to my buddy Van, The Bright Side of the Road. One of my favs. I sit preparing to speak to 2000 people at a conference and I am humbled by the simplicity of an honest blog post…
This is what life is about - honesty! Stating where you are and opening up to the love and compassion that will flow forth from the willingness to say you need help and the willingness to step outside yourself. I am awed by the energy that flows when we are willing to expose ourselves as human. As vulnerable. As needing.
My life work is helping people open themselves to reach out and get the help they need to be healthy, successful, fulfilled in all and any area of life. Relationships, health, career, business, love, faith. I know I am meant to serve and be served. It is in the balanced interchange that miracles happen and judgement is extinguished.
In humility,
Florence
May 17th, 2008
the communicatrix
Alexis - Hm…the link you posted just took me to the main page, so I’m not sure what you were pointing to. But I did a search on BlogHer’s site and wouldn’t you know, there’s a whole discussion about the no-follow/do-follow debate.
For the record, I don’t have the do-follow plugin installed for WP, and I’m not sure what the default setting is in this iteration of WP. The whole “link juice” thing gets a little wearying, anyway—I’m content that individual bloggers read/enjoy (or not!) the comments I leave on their blogs, and I trust my own blogging to create my web & Google footprint.
Too much of this counting can easily take one into webcock territory :-)
Ginevra - That’s a nice quote, there, ladypal. Thank *you*.
Florence - Nothing pierces my heart faster than real earnestness. I hope you have a brilliant time at HOW, and meeting my friends there.
May 17th, 2008
GirlPie
Thanks for the link and quote on ‘retrograde’ — I like that take on it, even if it is a little scary (’cause no one likes having their baby blanket taken away, no matter how grungy it gets…) Decluttering, indeed, great way to think about it (ugh.)
May 17th, 2008
Alexis
Drat! I thought that link wasn’t going to work! I was pointing you to this, by KT the Astrologer…(this was for yesterday-Saturday)
As I look at the astrological
chart for today, I’m immediately struck by how spread out all the
planets are — splashed all over the wheel, as it were. This may seem
well balanced, but it can actually scatter our energies in all
different directions. Focusing on any one subject for an extended
period of time is going to be iffy now, if not flat-out impossible. If
you’re feeling distracted, don’t fight it. Keep your sanity by
scheduling several shorter tasks throughout your day, including at
least a few breaks for socializing.
Cheers!
May 18th, 2008
the communicatrix
GirlPie - All things are scary if you look at them in a particular way, don’t you think? I mean, too much happiness? Means you’re gonna crash hard at some point. Sometimes, I can’t look at my dog without my heart seizing up at the thought of how much I will miss him when he’s gone. And that’s probably 10-12 years away!
Alexis - Ah. There we go. Thanks for the woo-woo. I feel splashed all over the wheel myself these days. I wish part of me was splashed all over a pool; christ jesus, it’s hot here!
May 18th, 2008
Bon
I love you, CoCo. For what its worth. {{hugs}}
I read a *great* post on a weightloss forum (eesh, yes, I’m dieting again… down 15 and another 45 to go) that said this:
“Dieting is hard. Exercise is hard. Obesity is hard. PICK YOUR HARD.”
So… you’re living a poet’s life. You’ve picked your hard.
Well done! XO
May 18th, 2008
Karen Putz
I’ve got the whip in my hand and I hope you have yours ready too– we’re holding each other accountable this week. :)
May 19th, 2008
Sheryl Sisk Schelin
Solidarity, sister. I’m right there with you. And, apparently, a select and large handful of other bloggers in similar positions.
I don’t know why it is, but as you intimate, we didn’t exactly choose a path that others have trod frequently before. We’re the path blazers, the weed-whackers.
We’re the Satipos AND the Indiana Jones’s of these temples.
And that sucks, and rocks. Both. In equal measure (mostly).
May 19th, 2008
the communicatrix
Bon - 15 lbs?! Awesome. Am on the reduction plan for the first time in my entire, almost-47-year life. Combination of going off SCD (stupid! stupid!) and perimenopause (annoying!) And “picked your hard”? Great saying. GREAT!!! Thanks, girl.
Karen - The communicatrix and the organizatrix. We will be unstoppable!
Sheryl - Ironic, b/c I’ve never been a pioneer. I keep waking up and saying, “WTF?!? This is not me! I’m a Company Gal!” Only I’m not.
Flip video on the way. Cannot wait to start getting vid on the web…finally. (Talk about not a pioneer…)
May 19th, 2008
Earl Kabong
http://www.structuredprocrastination.com/
I meant to post this link a couple of days ago, but didn’t get around to it. Oh, man. That joke never gets old. It’s like Morgan Fairchild in that way.
By the way, I got Reader’s Digest to bite on a heart-tugging story idea, but then the principal decided he didn’t want to be in Reader’s Digest. It’s hard out there for a word pimp.
Hey, look! Dust bunnies!
May 20th, 2008
Jonathan
This is my first time leaving a comment here, but I just wanted to say you
have a great blog and great way of talking about life’s ups and downs.
I first found your blog several months ago when I found out I had colitis and was looking for info about SCD. You may not remember, but I even emailed you a while back about it.
Anyway, your posts about SCD were pretty helpful and ever since then I have been checking in on your blog. Keep it up!
BTW- I’m not doing the SCD, I found relief in other ways.
Take Care,
Jonathan
http://www.beepsandchirps.com
May 20th, 2008
the communicatrix
Earl - I was going to yell at you, then I figured I’d check the link first so I’d have more fodder for yelling at you, then I realized I couldn’t yell at you b/c what that guy said is right on. David Allen talks about this, too: if you’re gonna procrastinate (and most of us will), then for the love of Pete, procrastinate by doing summat useful. So thanks.
And sorry about that Reader’s Digest thing, but it’s almost worth it for the cocktail party story: why the hell would the principal not want to be in Reader’s Digest? Wee-urd.
Jonathan - I do remember our exchange! I’m glad you’re feeling better, and that you didn’t have to go on SCD. It’s a pain, for sure, although it’s a huge gift.
Thanks for the kind words. Stay well!
May 20th, 2008
derek
honesty is the closest thing to truth . . . looking is seeing, and expressing from that vulnerability is the path least taken . . . i look forward to meeting you on your next trip to Ojai.
May 21st, 2008
the communicatrix
i look forward to meeting you on your next trip to Ojai
Hmmm…Ojai TweetUp?
Given the profound lack of interest in Things Internetal I saw at the coffee shop, it’d be a mighty small gathering.
May 22nd, 2008
Renita
Thanks for this, Colleen. I’ve been having a string of not-easy days lately as well. But we have to remember: “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.”
May 23rd, 2008
GirlPie
Stop procrastinating and finish/post your next post. It doesn’t have to be profound, but post (not answer comments) and get it outta the way. They call it ‘getting back on the horse’ — as I’m sure Earl Kabong is doing with his search-for-the-next-Reader’s Digest-Star… right?
May 24th, 2008
Earl Kabong
Huh? What? I must have dozed off here on the couch. Is that a Cheeto? Oh, crap. It’s a carrot stick. Never mind.
The Reader’s Digest guy continues to fend me off, hoping to be featured in a higher-brow publication. But he may yet come around. I haven’t quit on him just yet.
May 24th, 2008
the communicatrix
Renita - That’s what we’re here for—to help each other out.
GirlPie - Jesus! Pushy much? Yeah, yeah–I just came off a 21-day thingy. And a camera up my ass. Even the communicatrix needs a break now & again. But I’m on it, I’m on it.
Oh, wait–I wasn’t supposed to be commenting here, was I?
Earl - Ho-ly crap: he said ‘no’ b/c he was hoping for bigger press?! Uh…that’s not very…heartwarming. Don’t quit. Or find a better story and dump him. Or don’t even listen to me. What the hell do I know? All I write is a stupid actors’ column and this blog. And as GirlPie has pointed out, I barely maintain that.
May 24th, 2008
Earl Kabong
Just to be fair to the Reader’s Digest guy, he seeks a more prestigious/influential press outlet not for himself, but because he wants someone to do some hard-core investigative reporting into some institutional ineptitudes and he fears that a Reader’s Digest approach might not push the buttons he’d like to see pushed. And he may be right. I’m trying to convince him that doing the less-comprehensive RD piece doesn’t lessen the odds that a higher-brow entity might want to do something more. And, in the meantime, there’s no way to tell his heart-tugging tale without it being clear that mistakes were made by institutions that shouldn’t have made them. That’s the case I’m trying to make.
May 24th, 2008
GirlPie
Oh Colleen, no one said you didn’t maintain a terrific blog and column, but that your blogging brain was missed after that post on procrastination. And after reading your smart-funny “do one thing differently” post today, I think it was well worth the wait. Thanks.
(Earl - I’d have thought you’d be finding a different hero for your RD piece; but given his story, why not lay claim to it and pitch it yourself as a hard-core investigative piece for one of the heavyweights… you’re up to it.)
May 25th, 2008
the communicatrix
Earl - Oh! I’m glad you clarified the Reader’s Digest Guy’s motives. Here I was, attributing all kinds of stinky agendas to him. Look how fast I go to the dark place! I need an uplifting story, dammit!
GirlPie - Well, thank you. For the nudge, too.
May 25th, 2008
Em
Quite interesting. The posts remind me that I should “lose the expectations”. There goes my self again, endeavoring to control that which should be relinquished.
We are called human beings - that’s an illusion at this point in time. What I am finding more often is that we are human doings. Stop doing, start being. Relinquish, refresh, reframe. Flow.
Remember this is your incredible journey and savour the bumpiest and most twisted parts of it - you’ll always recant those more often than the straight path.
Namaste’
Jul 8th, 2008