Don’t save “happy”
As with many who self-identify as Survivors of Well-Intentioned-But-Ultimately-Fucked-Up Parenting, the confounding mix of messages I received in my formative years served to demagnetize my self-esteem compass for decades to come.
“We expect a lot from you” really meant You will not be good: you will be excellent. Or else.”
“You can do it!” was mainly true, most of the time. Unfortunately, the critical phrase—“…and without any help, or it doesn’t count”—was left unspoken but did its damage anyway.
What has been the hardest thing to reconcile, however, is the idea that I should take pride in my accomplishments, but not too much.
W as the kids say TF?!
Not being able to discern between appropriate rejoicing and vile showboating has the same effect as not knowing which fork to use: you end up giving a wide berth to a lot of invitations, just to be on the safe side.
Safe may be safe, but it’s hardly fuel for growth. With the possible exception of Emily Dickinson, no one ever changed the world by making it smaller (and one could argue that even though her physical world was profoundly limited, that chick was 100% down with the Truth.)
Safe is also not very joy-making. I’m not a happiness addict—well, okay, I am, but I’m 12-stepping my way out, and besides, “happiness”—or really, “pleasure”, as it’s come to mean—has relatively little to with living in a joyous state, which I’m going to come right out and call “ability to live in the moment and thrive because of it.” Safe is about keeping things as they are, and any boob will tell you that it’s impossible to reside permanently in a state of pleasure. The ice cream melts. The orgasm passes. Crafting the buzz is theoretically possible, but even if you spend the time to become a Jedi knight of the bong, aren’t you eventually going to have to do something else with your life, if only to replenish your stash?
The Youngster, who in many ways was wise beyond his years, had a great saying: “Don’t save happy.” It is one of the World Champeen Sayings precisely because of its obliqueness-to-brevity ratio.
Don’t hold back on a compliment. Don’t be stingy with a loving impulse.
Pointless to hold on to a snowflake, or a gallon of whipped cream—they won’t keep.
And those gift cards? If you’re living in most other states besides California, land where the consumer reigns supreme, they expire, dude; use them.
I think the application of this rule works beautifully both for people with no self-esteem issues and for those of us who feel like tooting our own horns means forever branding ourselves as That Asshole. Slow and judicious application is the trick to digging your way out.
For example (WARNING: HORN-TOOTING ALERT!!), last year I was approached by a representative from a fairly large publishing house about writing a book.
(Hang on—gotta wait for my heart rate to go back down.) (Okay…)
The odds of this actually culminating in my being hired and paid actual cash money to write this book are long, and the steps along the path to getting there are many. Still, one cannot deny that it is a fantabulous thing just to be asked, and on the basis of nothing more than a bunch of blog posts. If a friend told me that, I would think it was hot stuff.
So that’s what I did: told a (few) friends.
And when I got the word back from my contact that she liked the chapters? Again, I told a few friends.
And when I heard that it had cleared the next hurdle of my contact’s boss, the editor? Friends got told.
It was not, shall we say, easy. My heart raced and my face flushed every time I said it out loud.
But to not say it out loud—at least to some one—is no longer acceptable. It’s something I need, for now, if for no other reason than it is, for whatever reason, difficult out of all proportion.
There is another reason, though: if I hold back and play it safe, how can I be of any use to you, who might need a nudge to break through your own personal roadblock? If I can’t deal in the Truth, how can I expect to anyone else to give it to me straight?
If I don’t move forward—if you don’t, if each one of us doesn’t—how will the world?
The truth is, something will always be hard. When a thing gets easy, if you’re living your life out loud, you move on to the next thing. You climb a bigger mountain or tackle a bigger equation or break a tougher record. Cynicism prevents me from dragging out that confounded Marianne-Williamson-not-Nelson-Mandela quote one more time, but it’s true, cheese factor and all.
Being small doesn’t serve. It just takes up less room on an airplane seat.
xxx
c
Image by Mike_fj40 via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
TOPICS: change, life, self-promotion.
17 Comments, Comment or Ping
Mr Business Golf
WOW! That was so deep….I am waiting for the echo from saying that. I love it and goes along with my thoughts exactly. Unfortunately, after reading your blog I forgot what that thought was…so, I will just pass out the happy, or pleasure , I feel after reading what you wrote.
Jun 7th, 2008
GirlPie
Congrats on the news that you need to share more freely — because we, your readers, are your grass-roots movement of your book buying WOM evangelists and publishers like it when an author comes with a built-in fan base. Build it up baby, we’re with you!
Jun 7th, 2008
Sunny
Here here. “Safe” sucks. ;-)
Jun 7th, 2008
Elizabeth
I <3 you. Everything of yours that I’ve read this week has been so on point with things I’ve been pondering and areas upon which I want to work. You just express them so damn nicely. :)
Jun 7th, 2008
Earl Kabong
I tried to save Happy once. But he died anyway. That’s the problem with clowns, they have nowhere to go if the balloon animals bomb.
I know. I’m not helping.
Jun 8th, 2008
the communicatrix
Mr Business Golf - There’s about a 24-hour delay, Scot. Just in case you’re driving at the time.
GirlPie - Nobody does it alone. That shit is a total myth. So thank you.
Sunny - Coach’s approval! Yessss!
Elizabeth - Thank you. Should we let everyone know how not-good I was at expressing 10 years ago? You could certainly vouch for it :-)
Earl, Earl, Earl. Sigh…
Jun 8th, 2008
Jeremy
You know, I looked up that airplane seat thing, and you’re No. 1 on Google. So that deserves congrats too.
Jun 8th, 2008
Mary Ellen
Oh I’m so excited for you in being approached by a big publisher but I can’t say I’m surprised. It restores my faith in humanity when those in the business of marketing goods and services to the public direct their sights away from crap and toward soul-feeding, forward-pointed, hope-sustaining offerings like yours. As far as I’m concerned, your book’s already written and this grateful member of the fan base loves is and recommends it often. Whatever work of yours this publisher may ultimately run with, I’ll consider it to be your NEXT book. And right, why harbor this great news? I hear you accepting your obligation to share it with those of us who need great news because our nation right now is overproducing the other stuff.
Jun 9th, 2008
Jeanne
Hip hip hooray about the book!! Those are big hips, by the way…
Jun 9th, 2008
the communicatrix
Jeremy - Yay! (What?)
Mary Ellen - Well, to be fair, I was holding back for a number of reasons. There were so many things up in the air–including whether I even wanted to do it–I felt funny about mentioning it. I think my change of heart comes from thinking I maybe do want to do it, even if it’s “only” a YA book (and I may get branded as “only” a YA writer.)
I finally decided that whatever I write will be my writing, period: if people feel like sticking me in a box, that’s their biggie.
Jeanne - Thanks. All sized hips are welcome!
Jun 9th, 2008
Angie
Congrats on the book offer Ms. C! I think we tend to play it safe to many times and that prevents us from being truly happy. I’m sure you would do a wonderful job. I’ve seen it here many times how much you’ve touched on what people are feeling…..why not put in a book for ALL to see!
I lost a friend last weekend in a horrible tubing accident in CO., she was 29, a single (and devoted) mom and now she’s gone. We need to make “Happy” every day, who knows when our time is up!
Thanks for sharing the news with a few “friends” we’ll be here to support you 100%
Jun 9th, 2008
the communicatrix
Angie - Thanks, lady. And stunned at such a loss. Those poor kids. Live every day, indeed.
Jun 9th, 2008
Emily
Congrats on the book, that’s wonderful!
I agree with you that it can be hard to find a “balance” sometimes - you might not want to share great news because you don’t want to feel like you’re bragging, or it might not even pan out the way you’d hoped. Furthermore, people can be so jaded these days that they’ll either tend to focus on the negative or be distrustful of any praise or happiness that comes their way. Or, they’ll be so leary of taking a chance on something that really could make them happy that they’ll stay in the “safe zone.”
Yep, screw “safe,” take chances, and live life. :)
Jun 10th, 2008
GirlPie
From your lips to god’s ears you should get branded as a YA author — THE MOST INFLUENTIAL WORK YOU CAN DO is to help people at that age.
Look at those beloved characters the best-of-the-best create… I’m from the Nancy Drew era (ahem) but am still carrying some of her lessons (although I only adopted her because I couldn’t be Sherlock Holmes, my REAL hero…)
You embrace that YA Reader and the genre like the transformational-yet-entertaining cash-cow-of-creativity that it is and build your fans now that’ll love you into your eighties. me and Earl included.
Jun 10th, 2008
the communicatrix
Emily - You totally get it. But yeah, I have to take some risk of tarnishing my rep as a Total Non-Promoter sometimes.
GirlPie - You’re right, of course, That’s finally what got me: I was afraid of becoming a voice who could influence whom? Yeah. Maybe I ought to take a long, hard look in the mirror about that one.
Thanks for the support.
Jun 11th, 2008
Ramana Rajgopaul
Congratulations and I hope to see the book out sooner than later. If any one can write an appealing one, you can. You already have a whole lot of admirers for your written word.
Jun 15th, 2008
Maria
Vrey good essay, especally the bit about parents and their signals to children. You saved the best for last:being small doesn’t serve.
Jun 22nd, 2008
Reply to “Don’t save “happy””