I’m safely back in Los Angeles after a harrowing drive from Portland, and I do not jest about the harrowing part—we were down to one lane in the mountains below Ashford, with blowing snow and about 20 feet of visibility.
And this, on the heels of a good four and a half hours of sheeting rain and/or crap visibility, which dogged me all the way from Portland to well below Redding, CA, the following day.
I grew up driving in snow and on ice; huge portions of the Midwest are covered in it for huge portions of the year. But I’ve gotten out of the habit after 17 years in sunny Southern California and my eyes are far worse than they were in my 20s. Add to that driving a lightweight car without 4-wheel drive or snow tires, and you have a disaster waiting to happen (and a nervous wreck even without the other kind.)
I take complete responsibility for being That Asshole from California—the one that gives all of you good people from CA a bad name. I’m sorry, and I’ll try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Really, I blame the excellent weather I got used to on my last visit to the PacNW, and the idiotic notion that things get warmer as you head south. Generally, of course, they do, but at 4,000 feet? You need a monstrously warm climate to counteract the chill effect.*
I put myself in great physical danger because I was ill-prepared. There’s really no excuse for such lunacy at my age, but there you have it.
On the other hand, things ended up going quite well at Ignite: Portland because I prepared my ass off. I did a some arithmetic over the weekend and figured out that between writing and rehearsing my little speech, I burned through roughly 24 solid hours. And that doesn’t include the time I took to think up my speech topic and post my proposal on the website.
It was well worth it, I think. In addition to being one of the few women (what’s up with that, anyway?) and even fewer out-of-state people allowed to speak at the Portland event (L.A., represent!), this was also by far the largest audience I’d ever spoken in front of (600, or so they say) and on the topic I probably feel more passionate about than any other: fear, and the addressing of it. These are the kinds of speeches I want to give a lot more of, and those are the sizes of crowds I want to give them to.
It’s tough and humbling to be staring at these twin things, this huge “win” and this even more colossal embarrassment. In a way, I think it’s indicative of the way I treat things in general: I’m ever so careful to take my time with and devote lots of energy to matters of the mind and spirit, and utterly disgraceful in the disregard with which I treat my body. I full well understand the delicious irony of a lady who hits Jack in the Box and McDonald’s—thrice—after showing a picture of her bloody insides to 600 strangers.
I’m pretty sure we all are working on something, and I’m even more sure that for 2010 and beyond, I need to take a cold, hard look at this. I’ve taken good care of myself before, and I know I can do it again. I must do it again, and probably for the rest of my life, given my age and the reduction in margin for error.
More on this, and how I’ll address it, as I figure things out. But for now, this observation: much like a drug addict or a drunk, I need to watch out for when I’m hungry, angry, lonely or tired. And I need to be wildly vigilant when I’m any of those things in combination.
And now, for them of you who weren’t at the Bagdad on that fateful and glorious night (and couldn’t watch the live stream, which took a crapper during a few of the talks, mine included), here’s the video of my talk:
Thanks to A.J., aka @linuxaid, for the video. You’re my total hero! (If you’re looking at this in a feed reader and the video doesn’t show, My Bloody Epiphany is viewable on blip.tv.)
And thank you for reading and listening and not judging. Or, if you are judging, for keeping it to yourself. I do appreciate it, and am going to do my best to fold some of that into the new and improved Colleen of 2010, too.
xxx
c
*This is how much of a sheltered dumbass city motherf*cker I’ve become: I took the southernmost road through the Willamette National Forest on my way to Bend because—no, seriously—I thought it would be warmer and drier than going the Mt. Hood route.
Image by reidab via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
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new reader. love your stuff!
Excellent presentation! Great insight. thank you for sharing.
Glad you made it alive. LOVE the preso and thank you My Bloody Epiphany for getting it captured. Sheltered is the LAST word I think of when I think of you. In fact, it’s more like blow the motherf#%*ing roof off. Keep kicking butt.
I am new to your blog:) Brilliant. Your presentation was brilliant and hilarious:)
And…donthca just love all them polarities?
You are fucking brilliant. I’m glad you survived the drive home, because I am looking forward to what you come up with tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow.
Take it easy on yourself honey. (Because you say you never mind random mothering…) These things happen. I’m sorry you had to endure that much long and solid fear on the drive. And glad you are home and warm. Scold yourself a little more lovingly, no?
Thanks for the chance to see you in another venue!
Here’s why I love you: you’re reluctant to tell other people how to live because you’re still figuring that out yourself.
That’s why I waited so long to start blogging. Bloggers had answers. I would be happy with some of the right questions.
Thanks for the reminder that living by example trumps holding forth every time.
Your fan,
Maureen Anderson
I love, love, love reading everything that you write. You have no idea how often what you write resonates (or maybe you do). Thank you for sharing the stuff that so many of us are afraid to acknowledge, let alone broadcast on a blog (in that humorous, self-deprecating way we all love so much). What a treat to see your awesome presentation! So well done. From one Virgo to another, I know how difficult this is, but I hope you are taking some time to be proud of yourself for all you have accomplished! Kudos to you!
Dear C.,
You’re a courageous woman and I admire that so much.
Self reflection can be a hard thing to do and it seems you’re brilliant in it. Sweetie, of course you could have prepared your drive through the blizzard-icy-rain-snow whatever in a different way, but the main part is you arrived safely, you saw it through and you learned from it! What more can anyone ask for?
And then your presentation. You had me listening, laughing, nodding and thinking. Humor is so important, in your case it’s humor with a message.
Thanks for sharing things, thoughts and emotions in your life. I love to read your blog, your poems and stories, the way you always react to a mail. Yes enjoy sharing.
Promise me you won’t be so hard on your self. It’s only human to do things you shouldn’t do but want to do so badly. Taking risks is what can enhance the quality of life. As long as you do it in a measured way.
We all need to be crazy at times, let go of corsets that circumstances dress us in. But after that please get back to taking good care of yourself! ;-)
*hugs*
~Marion
Bravo!
Thank you, all! Thank you thank you thank you!
This was such a profound and joyous experience, the Ignite thingy, that I am fired up to look for new ways to do this kind of thing (and yes, I’m looking at “this kind of thing” very loosely, for now!)
I also very much appreciate your kindness in reminding me to be a little kinder to myself. Not that I need let myself slack off, but yes, I can be a wee bit hard on myself for infractions both perceived and real. Anything that takes away from the real job at hand—growth, and sharing—is…well, I was going to say “self-indulgent, vain and stupid,” but since we’re warming it up here on the blogaroo, I will just say, “Rather beside the point.”
How’s that?
Who the hell would judge bravery like that?! So glad you posted the video – it was amazing and had me a little teary.
I don’t know anyone else who is better at naming those horrific, secret, giant fears and turning them into big muppets, hardly threatening.
You have a weird, odd, glorious, goofy gift that just might make the world a better place. Go forth and slay those dragons … we’re right behind you!
Brava, my dear no-way-a-diva Colleen! Quick, concise, wrenching, moving, insightful and still funny. You wear it so well. I remember the horrors of adolescence, navigating the hallways of high school, so in my head that my body would collapse and fall down. In film school, working so hard on a project that I tripped down and long hard flight of linoleum stairs. When you are in your head, your body sometimes reminds you to pay attention. Fortunately, you made it back in one piece. I’m up for a constitutional any and most times, (as long as I’m not driving kidlets clear across Los Angeles for whatever education and personal growth that they so desperately need. I count too!) So thankful for you, your wisdom and the light you shine.
You did good!
Dude, what is it with Ashford? During my epic cross country road trip, I spent an extra day or two there so the weather would warm up because I did not have (nor did I want to subsequently lug) chains for my tires. I kept abreast of the weather but there were still times it was out of my hands and yet a couple others where I should’ve gotten the f*ck off the road sooner.
This is great: “much like a drug addict or a drunk, I need to watch out for when I’m hungry, angry, lonely or tired. And I need to be wildly vigilant when I’m any of those things in combination.” Loneliness doesn’t bother me too much and frustration feels more right than anger, but yeah. I’ve gotten much better about paying attention to the hungry and tired. It’s not pretty if I don’t. ;)
Watched the video of your speech…Great job and very wise words! I loved it!
I laughed. I cried. Thanks.
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