The rewards lie just beyond the fear
For the record, throwing yourself out there does not get easier. Because while you get more practiced at doing it, the hurling is still effortful and terrifying and completely unnatural in feeling.
On the other hand, not throwing yourself out there gets easier and easier each time you don’t do it. Or do do it. You know what I mean. (You will also note that I said “do-do.”)
Notice that neither one of these gets a qualifier of “better” or “worse.” They just are what they are: choice “a”, or choice “b”.
When it gets hard to make the call, try considering this:
You can do the thing that terrifies you and watch your world get a little bit bigger. Or you can do what you have done before and have your world shrink imperceptibly. As in, you will not notice it, whatever the size.
There are still no rewards for the former but the former. There are no consequences to the latter but the latter.
On Thursday night, I will get up in front of 800 or so strangers—and the few of you I do know are pretty strange, too, now I think of it—and tell the story of my bloody epiphany. In five minutes, with the aid of 20 slides which, god willing and the creek don’t rise, will advance automagically every 15 seconds. (They kinda-sorta did during the rehearsal, when they were there, only five seconds off.)
Am I not terrified? Of course I am. I would be a damned fool if I wasn’t at least a little bit nervous, and I am nobody’s fool, so yeah, I’m terrified.
So what?
SO WHAT?
If I do it, whether or not I do it well, my world gets a little bigger. And this is a choice I made seven years ago, when I decided to keep my colon, and 15 years ago, when I decided to quit advertising, and four years ago, when I decided to quit acting, and two years ago, when I decided to quit whatever the hell it was I did for five minutes after I quit acting only to have it not feel exactly right, even though there was no other ridge in sight. I want a bigger world for everyone, or at least the choice of a bigger world, or maybe even just the knowledge of the choice of the bigger world.
I talk about fear to drag it into the light, to help myself see what exactly it is that I’m dealing with. I thank you for being my witness. I hope that it provides something helpful by way of illumination for someone else, too…
xxx
c
Image by Pink Sherbet Phorotgraphy via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.
TOPICS: fear.
14 Comments, Comment or Ping
Jeremy
Omigod. P’chatchka for masochists. When did you, or the organiser, decide to cut the time to 15 seconds per slide? You’ll do good.
Nov 17th, 2009
LPC
You will do well. We can send you qi. I write about anxiety for the same reasons as you write about fear. It colors my entire experience and needs to be spoken. Commenting here with great affection.
Nov 17th, 2009
Juan Carlos
I have not been crazy about your latest notes, but, this one I LOVE IT, and I thank you for that. Good luck on Thursday, I think as long as you experience the world the way you have, you will be fine, and you will a great time.
Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
Nov 17th, 2009
Anne
You are so right, as usual.
It’s so true that the comfortable walls do begin to close in a bit but when we take that leap, sometimes the world seems seems to reverberate with excitement. Scary but glorious!
Your audience is gonna love ya!!!
Nov 17th, 2009
Glenda
Thanks you for your intrepidity.
Nov 17th, 2009
Charlene
You are so right. But sometimes just knowing this isn’t enough. Thanks for the kick in the pants by way of your insightful (we have nothing to fear but fear itself) post.
Nov 17th, 2009
dava
Good luck, although you don’t need it as you have no doubt seriously prepared :)
This morning over on Men With Pens there was a post about fear, although it was abot fear of success. Fear is one of my most often felt emotions, so your words speak to me.
Most recently, I have been working on not being afraid of riding on the back of a motorcycle. I keep doing it, but my stomach keeps hurting and the hives just won’t go away. :)
Nov 18th, 2009
Daphne
Good luck on Thursday!
Nov 18th, 2009
the communicatrix
Thank you, all, for your great support and wisdom and insight!
And Juan Carlos! Thank you for your honesty! :-)
Yes, Ignite is like a slimmed-down version of Pecha Kucha (and thanks, Jeremy, for the pronunciation lesson).
I got the opportunity to practice it twice before unsuspecting audiences, thanks to my friend, Sam Carpenter, and it went over reasonably well, so I feel a bit better about it all. Will practice a bit more and then LET GO. Because that’s what we do, right?
You all rock. I am damned lucky, and I know it!
Nov 18th, 2009
Jolie
Colleen–
You’re going to be great! I can’t wait! Also, I’m bringing people. As many as I can find. We’ll be your own personal cheering section.
See you Tomorrow!
Nov 18th, 2009
the communicatrix
Yay, Jolie!
Can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait! Only I can. But really, I can’t!
Nov 18th, 2009
Scott McMurren
IGNITE?
Nov 21st, 2009
Andrew Lightheart @alightheart
World bigger? World smaller?
Pretty clear.
Eep.
Nov 22nd, 2009
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