I am Mrs. Potato Head, Redux

mrsphead.jpgThe communicatrix opened her e-mail yesterday and one of her many marketing newsletters (once an ad whore, always an ad whore) had the read-'em-and-weep news: Lycos has introduced the dating meta-search. That's right: the Mall of Online Dating Is Here, with Matchmaker and Tickle as your anchor stores, and smaller franchises like iMatchup, loveaccess.com and True.com sprinkled in between Forever 21 and the Wicks 'n' Sticks. We've been here before, kids: the East Village used to be affordable. Frye boots were cool (twice). There was no beaten path to San Miguel de Allende. Money may change everything, but critical mass destroys it.

But all hope is not lost for those of you still on the electronic prowl. Of course, if you are in that thin sliver of the Venn diagram that both reads communicatrix and online dates, you have probably already burned through the hipster cohort on the Spring Street Networks. For you, I have two words: Craig's List.

"But Colleen," you protest, "surely you jest! CL is for the 420/freak-friendly, NSA, here's-my-dick-come-do-me-hard-right-now crowd."

Well...yes. But as I always say, if you're reading Craig's List...

Besides, do you really think you're going to find the romantic equivalent of an urban-renewal, 750 sq ft loft on Match.com or eHarmony? Dream on, suckahs. CL is the frontier, my little prairie dogs of love, but if you're looking for land, lots of land under starry skies above, or anything beyond the picked-over leavings of the pay sites, you'd best saddle up and head west.

Of course, the rules are tougher in lawless parts. And if things are stacked against men in general in the online dating world, that goes double for CL. If there's any interest, I may post chick guidelines for CL at a later date, but since the ratio of dudes to dudettes on the bare-bones bulletin board seems to be about 1000-to-1, my first act of charity is to post:

10 Surefire Ways to NOT Get Into Anyone's Pants on Craig's List (men's edition):

  1. Post a picture of yourself playing the guitar...naked from the waist up!
  2. When no one "good" responds, repost ad every two hours for the following four weeks. Be sure to explain that this is a re-post because no one "good" has responded.
  3. In describing your ideal woman, include: (a) great intellect; (b) cunning wit; (c) kindness; (d) open-mindedness; and (e) giant labia.
  4. Attach several pictures of giant labia to illustrate your point.
  5. Go on at great length about your razor-sharp sense of humor. Be sure to include no actual examples of same.
  6. Refer to yourself extensively as a "GRATE CATCH", "VARY INTILECTUAL" and "EXTREEMLY PERTICULER."
  7. Politely close with "NO FAT CHIX, PLEADSE."
  8. Ask for a same-night date to an event for which you have free tickets; indicate that interested applicants should explain in their emails to you why they should be chosen over other potential candidates.
  9. Assert that you are looking for "that special lady" who is overlooked when out with her "really hot friends" but "still isn't a pig or anything."
  10. Explain that you are ISO a "married BBW" with whom you can "exchange mutual orgasms." Express true confusion over this being a difficult thing to find.

Remember: the communicatrix may be off the market, but it doesn't mean the girl of your dreams isn't still out there! Gentlemen, start your engines...

xxx c


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