I want to grow up to be Old Hag. She is funny, smart, reads a ton and writes way better headlines than the communicatrix ever did in her previous, high-paying life as an ad whore.
Ten Things I've Done That You Probably Haven't
- Had tea with Madeline Kahn in the Palm Court of the Plaza.
- Sang a song about my twat in front of 350 people with a six-piece orchestra backing me up.
- Kept a diary about my diarrhea.
- Gotten MY ONE LINE dubbed on a primetime television show because my delivery apparently sucked such monumental ass that the producers could not bear to hear my voice on the soundtrack.
- Saw my total cholesterol go from 125 to 450 in one year.
- Sang a nonsense patter song clad in car sunshades and garbage bags...on stilts!
- Gotten loaded on vodka and Sprite at This Is Elvis.
- Wept on my L.A. balcony with the female half of a Helsinki couple my ex and I met in Prague.
- Had Shirley Jones hold the door open for me at the old Chasen's.
- Had Nancy Reagan's mother advise my 10-year-old self that a man "won't buy the cow if he can get the milk for free."
And you thought you were a freak. Ha!
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