That shitty, shaky feeling

WoodsI know all about "what goes up" and "to every season" and all of the other old saws. I also know that a body in motion prefers to stay that way and a body at rest would just as soon you leave it the fuck alone, thank you very much.

While there are many wonderful things in my life right now (relationship, friendship, health, etc.) when I am forced to address the things that are less wonderful (taxes, cash flow, roaches for the first time in my L.A. life) it is all too easy to go to the dark place, forget what I do have going for me and embrace my loser-dom.

You started rewrites on your show how long ago and you're still not done? Loser. You made how much last year and have what to show for it? Loser. You want to help other people change their lives and yours looks like this? Loser, loser, loser.

Right now, I finally think I get what Evelyn is talking about with her dwelve into the unknown. Like knights of yore on a quest for a big urn and The Zenmistress of Business herself, apparently, I'm standing at the edge of a big, tangled forest full of scary stuff and I'm really not thrilled about the prospect of heading in with nothing but a keyfob Maglite and a light jacket in case it gets cold. I mean, I know it's gonna get cold. And I know this weekend's tasks, taxes, billing, roach control, merely comprise leg one of a loooong journey. One I've successfully avoided embarking on for almost 44 years. It's hard to shake that shaky feeling that I (loser) am going to be doing a lot of stumbling and bumbling about (loser! loser!) as I trip over unknowns in the forest (ignorant loser!).

On the other hand, I know that this, too, shall pass, both my big journey and this mini, weekend one. By Monday, my taxes will be done, I'll have adjusted to the new balance in my savings account and my kitchen cabinets will be ringed with a Maginot Line of boric acid and Raid. (Well, two outta three ain't bad.) And at some later and probably less-defined point, I'll uncover that piece of paper on which I wrote my current Three Things and think, "Hunh...wish I had that problem instead of this one."

But hopefully, not before I realize I'm not a loser any more than I'm not ever a winner. I'm just a person, muddling through, who knows some stuff and doesn't know a whole lot of other stuff and who, like most people, is happier living in the former than doing much about the latter.

Which reminds me: time to get cracking...