Cheering the Hell Up, Day 13: Stuff I have learned on my trip to the Midwest

indy house 1. There is a reason people are bigger here and it is called "potatoes".

2. Anyone who doubts the multiculturalism and quick wit of small town America has not worn pigtails, walked down a main street and had two brothers in a bright yellow TransAm yell "Pippi Longstocking!" at her out the window.

3. One-way streets may be the greatest traffic flow control device since the stoplight.

4. There are still places that exist where a house costing $200,000 is considered overpriced.

5. Even when the house is really nice.

6. And doesn't have wheels.

7. If you troll the unfamiliar neighborhoods of a small town in a rental car at slow speeds, prepare to be scrutinized with an intensity that big city liquor store owners can only begin to approximate.

8. If you troll the sidewalks of a college town and are over the age of 25, prepare to feel more invisible than a straight woman at the Gold's Gym in Hollywood.

9. When visiting land-locked states and given a choice between the fish or the beef, pick the beef. Seriously.

10. You can take the smartass out of the city, but you can't take the smartass out of the smartass...

Photo of an actual house that costs $200,000, including the parcel of land equal in size that abuts it.