Miss Colleen's Wild Ride

autopia I love Disneyland. I have been there many times, as an adult, as a kid...

But I have never been to Disneyland as an adult with a kid. Er...accompanying a kid. Kids, actually. Plural.

Not mine, of course, The BF's. They are magnificent children, bright and nerdy and full of the old whoop-dee-doo. How much whoop-dee-doo, you ask? Enough to spend 14 hours at the Happiest Place on Earthâ„¢. FOURTEEN MOTHERFUCKING HOURS! Like I said, they're great kids, lots of fun, a minimum of whining. But FOURTEEN MOTHERFUCKING HOURS!?! My limit up until yesterday was twelve. Thirteen, maybe.

Anyway, I had no idea that, outside of Moments with Mr. Lincoln, Disneyland could be so edumacational. I give you...


1. The rides are just one big loss leader to sell the merch.

2. I don't care how politically incorrect it is, the Enchanted Tiki Room still kicks major theme park ass.

3. On the other hand, one ride on George Lucas' barf simulator (a.k.a. STAR TOURS) is more than enough.

4. Unless you have a really good inner ear.

5. Or are 8.

6. Or are the younger sister of someone who is.

7. The entire reason why America is such a horrific place can be summed up in the width differential between the waiting areas created pre-1989 and post.

8. The FastPassâ„¢ surpasses e-mail, RSS and home delivery of the Sunday paper in its amazing, time-saving excellence.

9. The scariest part of any ride in the entire park is realizing you can't get out of the Haunted Mansion when you are with two small people who want to do exactly that, and NOW!

10. Even given all of the above, Disneyland is still the Happiest Place on Earthâ„¢...

xxx c