(Blue) List Wednesday: How to Swear Like The Communicatrix!

spiderman isn't happy It occurs to me that over the years, I have honed my swear vocabulary to a few tried and true favorites and a few (I think) completely made up swears. In the interest of sharing, or, more appropriately, in the interest of sharing to get you to share, I'm spilling them here, along with a brief provenance, where necessary.

Assmünch (n) (ass-moonch') Coined during the run of a play where all 36 of us were speaking with a different accent. Originally conceived in an act of extreme passive-aggressive frustration with a genial buffoon, it has with time mellowed to describe sort of a...genial buffoon. But, you know, with more affection. A-holio. (n) Fairly self-explanatory. I think it has a bit more playful flair than your garden variety "a-hole". Definitely a nod in here to the great Mike Judge and Cornholio. A-hole-a, rock-and-roll-a. (expression of frustration, usually uttered in car after a particularly egregious moving violation by a fellow driver) Written in iambic pentameter, it's important to chant this in the same rhythm of the line "Got a condo made of stone-a" from Steve Martin's comedy classic, "King Tut", preferably whilst turkey-bobbing one's head, to mimic the look of someone singing along with one's favorite song on the radio. Motherfuck. (extreme exclamation of dismay) Useful after dropping a large bowl of something sticky on a freshly-washed kitchen floor, or inadvertently deleting the contents of one's hard drive. Move your kiester, meester. (see "a-hole-a..." above) Not to be used for extreme driving infractions, this is more the verbal equivalent of foot-tapping or finger-drumming. Crap on a cracker! (mild exclamation of dismay) Sort of the swear equivalent of "well, I'll be!" Fuckmeister. 1. (n) an egregious a-holio; 2. (exclamation) a more extreme version of Shit on a shingle. (Note: when used to describe the former, accent is on the first syllable; for the latter, the second.) Fuck my potatoes. (exclamation of mild-to-medium dismay; see "shit on a shingle") Honestly, I have no idea how I came up with this one. But it has come to be my favorite swear, by far. I use it at least once a day. Fuck you, assfuck. (expression of extreme umbrage) To be used exclusively in the car, with the windows rolled up, at a safe distance from object of umbrage. Safety first, people.

So, you know, in case James Lipton never gets around to it: what's your favorite swear?

xxx c

UPDATE: Thanks to Erik for this ancient (but still excellent) link to celebrity swears.

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Photo by d_m_b via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.