Searches, we get searchesâ„¢: revival edition

searchesThose of you new to the delights of communicatrix-dot-com may not be familiar with a long-ago weekly tradition, the "Searches, We Get Searchesâ„¢" feature.

Of course, those of you newer to the communicatrix-dot-com family of readers might be, erm, more familiar with a...shall we say sexier version of me mining my stats for comedy gold.

Well. No song this week. (Although as I've mentioned recently, given the nuttiness of the general searching population, I refuse to rule anything out for the future.) This week, we're doing it up old-school, as god in her infinite old-school-godlike wisdom intended.


how do you stop someone from sucking all the happiness out of life? (Google)

Never stop what you can successfully sell tickets to.

free underarm stubble (Yahoo!)

If that's not an economic indicator, I don't know what is.

best paying carpenter jobs (Google)

No no no, it's not the carpenter jobs that pay; it's the hanger-on jobs that pay.

i don't want a colonoscopy (Yahoo!)

Oo! Oo! Can I have yours?

feng shui and stairs to the basement (Google)

"The chi is coming from inside the house!"

a motor in 10 minutes project (Google)

And we were worried about handing Detroit that bailout money!

if i keep sucking in my stomach will it get smaller

No, but if you look at yourself in a rear-view mirror, it will seem farther away than it is.

what clothes to wear if you look like audrey hepburn? (Google)

Something in a plain black burial vestment.

poem for handyman shower (Google)

Your Special Day is coming
Remember: white, not black!
And please, before you walk the aisle
Do cover up your crack.

i love the apple store (Google)

Captain Obvious kills a few hours on the Google.

read heads with cleavage (Google)

I'm not sure how efficient it would be, but you could have a lot of fun trying.

naked stage hypnotist (Google)

Auto-suggestion taken to new levels.

prednisone and alchohol mixed (Google)

Hulk smash(ed)!