Note: if you’re a “Crohnie” or UC patient or parent of an autistic kid who came for the recipe, feel free to skip ahead to the recipe. (Although I’m guessing most kids won’t be too into lox.)

Likewise, if you’re a self-involved tool equally disinterested in understanding the suffering of others and broadening your body of knowledge, feel free to skip ahead. Although be warned: just because you don’t have IBD now doesn’t mean you or someone you love won’t someday, especially if you keep on eating your crapass, Corporo-Fascist-approved Standard American Die-Yet? Incidence of IBD on the rise in Westernized countries.

No, really—go ahead: blow off the back story. We’ll be here via the Google when your insides have turned into raw hamburger. Hopefully, it won’t be too late! Toodles!

Okay.

For the rest of you…

THE BACK STORY

Readers come here from all kinds of search strings, but one that comes up a lot is “Specific Carbohydrate Diet” + (”you name it”).

Most likely this is because the Specific Carbohydrate Diet is notoriously difficult to follow. The list of legals and illegals only makes sense up to a point: Why navy beans and not kidney beans? Why provolone and not mozzarella? Why honey and not maple syrup?

I noticed. And while we’re at it, what the hell’s up with you hippies and your homemade yogurt?

Bottom line is this: the SCD is predicated on the thesis that undigested matter lingering too long in the gut provides a 24-hour feeding station for irritating intestinal bacteria. The more bacteria, the more mucous (yum!), the less the gut is capable of doing its (you’ll pardon the pun) duty; also, the more irritation, the more abrasion—again, leading to a reduction in functional capacity. Not to mention the garden of attendant earthly delights like diarrhea (regular, explosive and bloody varieties), extreme fever and underweight, energy loss, body aches, pain and…wait for it…puppy-killing farts.

Or, in the words of the wise and eloquent Seth Barrows,

The SCD combats bacterial and yeast overgrowth by restricting the energy they require to live while keeping the host well fed.

But no one really knows why it works—just that, in many cases, it does work.

Unfortunately, in many cases it doesn’t, but no one knows why on that count, either—it could be user error, as the SCD is notoriously difficult to follow. Even when you start to get what you can and can’t eat; even when you’re well enough to eat the full range of allowable foods (in the beginning, when you’re really sick, many “legals” are verboten), there’s hella prep involved in eating legal.

So there’s no getting around it: following the SCD is a pain in the ass.

For those of us who’ve found relief, however, not following it is an even bigger pain in the ass. I fell off the wagon shortly after meeting The BF (not his fault! not his fault!), and have been on and off in the three years since. (I was in Fanatical Adherence mode for the two years prior.) I started to get another scare just before Thanksgiving, and had an epiphany much like I did when I felt the bronchitis coming on for a third time and quit smoking on the spot, in mid-pack: 20 years, and I’m still smoke-free.

Of course, it is MUCH harder to stay on a diet than to quit a substance entirely, because hey, you gotta eat. And not only is it difficult to steer clear of the temptation all dieters are faced with, there are literally hidden evils in everything. Every. Thing.

So we eat mainly non-processed food. Nothing canned, bottled, boxed or to-go. No convenience foods. Which makes life…inconvenient.

There’s another downside to this: food gets scary-boring. I mean DEADLY boring. Because it’s so much work finding and making food, one’s intake on the SCD gets numbingly repetitive. Honestly, if I could have any luxury—when I can have any luxury—the first one I want it a private chef to come in three times per week and cook me stuff. (And for my chef friends out there, now you know that the thing I love most is being asked over for a tasty, SCD-legal dinner!)

One trick I’ve learned to apply from the other part of my nerdy life is batch-processing. Make a tub of yogurt and then figure out the 17 different ways you can use it. Find a recipe that freezes well in portions and make a shitload of it. Four dozen cookies, six loaves of “bread” (which you then turn half of into toasts).

So the following recipe is what you do with some of the homemade goat’s milk yogurt it takes you 26 hours to make. It’s fecking hawesome, as Shane Nickerson speaking in a bad British accent might say, and it made my night.

Also, for you normies, you can have it on real bread toasts, if you like. But the cuke makes it lighter and less caloric, in case you care about stuff like that.

THE RECIPE

Serves 1 hungry-ass SCD-er as a meal, or several dainty types as hors d’oeuvres

• 1 cucumber, sliced into 1/4″ rounds
• 1 cup DRIPPED SCD-legal goat’s milk yogurt*
• 1/2 cup chopped scallion
• a few tablespoons capers
• 4 oz SCD-legal smoked salmon**

1. Spread rounds with dripped goat “cheese”.
2. Press sprinkling of scallions on each round.
3. Press a few capers (to taste) on each round.
4. Layer with generous swath of salmon.
5. Eat your damn face off!

*Can substitute SCD-legal cow’s milk yogurt, although not as tasty
**Check package, even if brand you used last time was legal; I think suppliers change for brands, and many add sugar

This is very tasty with a Virgin or Bloody Mary. Vodka, fortunately, is 100% legal on the SCD.

Um…in moderation, of course.

xxx
c

Image by chocolate monster mel via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license. And no, that recipe is totally illegal. Looks good, though!

Other SCD-legal recipes on communicatrix-dot-com:

• SCD-legal artichoke dip
• SCD-legal Salade Nicoise (aka tuna!)
• SCD-legal Strawberry-Chicken-Walnet Salad
• SCD-legal Chopped Liver

TOPICS: recipes, SCD/Crohn's disease.

I’ll admit it flat-out: I’m a bit chagrined by last year’s goal-post title.

To be fair, it wasn’t a total wash. Out of ten goals I set for myself last January, I fulfilled seven. Fairly good, percentage-wise. Especially since much of the year, I wasn’t consciously trying. Such is the truly awesome power of just writing things down (not to mention making them public!).

Still, there’s no question that one of last year’s gifts was in leaving room for improvement this year. I do like the Best Year Yet method, since it walks me through all the steps I might otherwise skip in my fresh-year enthusiasm. A fair amount of time gets devoted just to examining where the previous year went well and where it went off the rails, the idea being you’ll get the best sense of what lessons will prove most useful to you by examining where the hell you went so very, very wrong.

I’m happy to say that mine boiled down to two things:

1. an unrealistic sense of what I can reasonably (or even unreasonably) expect to accomplish in a given chunk of time
2. an almost pathological inability to ask for help.

Why happy? Because if I’m honest with myself, these twin terrors have probably kept me from more successes than any other things. “Inability to face up to stuff,” for example, is not on the list. Took a few years to get it off, but it is gonzo, brother. So is “depressed,” “unmotivated,” “refusal to look on the bright side,” and a host of other ills. As demons go, these two ain’t bad.

To help with my time issues, this year is going to be a lot about scheduling. Yes, I’ve scheduled in the scheduling.

I’m also putting a heavy emphasis on Asking For Help. My mantra for 2008 is “Help Is Everywhere,” both because I’m starting to see that it really and truly is everywhere, and because once you get it in your head to see yellow Volkswagens, that’s pretty much what you’re going to see.

2008? It’s the Year of The Yellow Volkswagen.

xxx
c

Image by slimmer jimmer via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

TOPICS: Best Year Yet, change, goals, resolutions.

Wrapping up this fine and crazy year in 50 short-to-medium numbered items. If you have OCD or something like that, you might want to read the first 50 short-to-medium numbered items first.

1. I may not be a dog person, but I’m definitely an Arnie person.
2. In every possible figurative sense, my eyes will probably always be bigger than my stomach.
3. Television? What television?
4. The shortest distance between two points is often a half-bottle of chianti.
5. Time crawls when you commit to doing something every day for 30 days.
6. The strongest proof of global warming may just be a visit to my apartment in September.
7. Life is better with regularly scheduled Ladies’ Nights.
8. And TextExpander.
9. Just because you have seen someone over and over on the internet does not mean they are ready to embrace you as an old friend when you finally greet them during a surprise run-in at the coffee shop.
10. Especially when they are four.
11. And you are interfering with their immediate receipt of hot chocolate.
12. Lead by example.
13. Podcasts are easier heard than made.
14. Bank accounts are easier closed than opened.
15. The price of grinding your teeth at night has more than doubled since 1998.
16. There may be a wearout number of viewings for Play Misty for Me, but at 50, I’ve yet to hit it.
17. No matter how evolved I get, from time to time, I will be That Asshole.
18. Designing album covers is every bit as cool as you thought it would be when you were 10.
19. Even if the albums are now only 5″x5″.
20. And will mostly be downloaded anyway.
21. Despite optometrists’ exhortations to the contrary, you do not actually need to buy a new pair of glasses every year.
22. If you want something done, schedule it.
23. You never know where your next job will come from.
24. That goes double if you have a blog.
25. Those classes at the Learning Annex are as educational as you’d expect them to be.
26. That doesn’t mean you won’t learn from them.
27. The Central Coast is even better when seen from the picture window of your own, private rental home.
28. Never say “never.”
29. On the other hand, “no” is a really good thing to say from time to time.
30. If Malcolm Gladwell does not want to be my next boyfriend, Jonathan Coulton will do just fine.
31. Or Bob McBarton, if I can convince him to leave his adorable wife and daughter.
32. Or Dan Savage, if he’d be into batting for the other team.
33. The point where dreams get truly difficult is when they start coming true.
34. You can’t quit (or start) until you’re ready.
35. When it comes to letting my hair go, I’m still a total scrotum.
36. The best birthday presents are the ones that cost nothing and show up unexpectedly.
37. It is way more fun to marry other people than to marry, period.
38. Trying to compose 100-things lists in the WP text editor is like trying to make a pie wearing mittens.
39. She who doth not invoice, doth not get paid.
40. Let it go.
41. Really—just let it go.
42. I’m serious…let it the fuck go, already!!!
43. Boobage is a pain in the ass.
44. People are amazingly good at providing help.
45. Especially when you ask.
46. Sadly, nothing much has changed from a management perspective since Upton Sinclair’s time.
47. Happily, much has changed regarding access to the means of production.
48. The less you make of the holidays, the more fun they are.
49. Even if you own, you’re only renting.
50. When in doubt, put on Django Reinhardt…

Happy new year, one and all!

xxx
c

It may be a while before I post another one of these, so…

2007

• 100 things, Part I

2006

• 100 things, Part I
• 100 things, Part II

2005

• 100 things, Part I
• 100 things, Part II

2004

• 100 things, Part I
• 100 things, Part II

TOPICS: annual 100, List-o-rama!.

Here’s the ugly truth about the current state of independent film: filmmaking may have been democratized by the portable video camera and iMovie, but distribution—the means of getting films by the people, to the people—is still totally FUBAR.

No studio dollars, no big marketing push.

No marketing bucks, no big release.

No big opening, no run.

How do I know this? Because I spent two hours that were, in equal measure, exhilarating and spirit-crushing, with filmmaking duo John Sayles and Maggie Renzi (and, because I’m not above dropping a few names when they’re this impressive, Haskell Wexler, Lawrence Turman and Anne Beatts.) It was part of a small, roundtable/salon-y type thing I somehow fell into (to pervert a line from Animal House, “Thank you, blog!”), which Sayles and Renzi doubtless (in part, anyway) decided to attend to pimp their latest film, Honeydripper, which was wholly self-financed AND is being wholly self-distributed.

Okay.

For those of you who are completely outside of the Hollywood scene—who might know box office tallies and other useless insider info (something that came up, as well)—that is like me saying I’m going to build my own direct competition to McDonald’s out of Legos and gum, and have it profitable inside of four weeks. Seriously. Because…

• the pipeline is really tightly controlled by mega-chains and distributors
• the pipeline dictates that (most) movies must open big or die instantly
• the pipeline is configures so that all but the most outrageously popular films must move along, son, after a week or two

And mainly, because the pipeline is THE pipeline. There are next-to-no “little theaters” for cinema, like there are for stage performances; there’s no off-off-Broadway for movies. And coordinating what is there takes Herculean effort.

Which means it’s difficult for even great, proven filmmakers like John Sayles and Maggie Renzi to get their stuff out there to the audiences who want to see it. Let me state that again: to audiences who want to see it. Sure, there’s Netflix (and it’s great!) and yes, someday, that Internet pipe will be big enough and ubiquitous (provided we don’t blow up the damned planet first) but movies-in-theaters are rapidly becoming, as they put it, the blow-’em-up stuff that will play globally or the few token, anointed indies that make it. Bad news for those of us who like to see our movies big and communally, in the theater.

The good news is, these are some smart, determined people who don’t understand the meaning of the word “impossible.” They’ve been doing the impossible already for years: creating smart, interesting cinematic treats that live decidedly outside of the mainstream. And making a living at it. So they’ve put together their own distribution for their latest film, Honeydripper, which opens in theaters this Friday, December 28. Maggie & John broke down the plan for us over lunch, and I have to say, if anyone can succeed at this very brand new game, it’s them.

We all know how important it is for new films to do big box office on opening weekend, so I don’t need to tell you to get out there and support this Friday/Saturday/Sunday (especially Friday—that’s when I’m going!) But they’ve also put together kind of a grassroots worksheet on other things you can do to get the word (and people) out, and support the film. I’ve uploaded it to my server, and you can download it here. It includes a glowing review from Variety; I haven’t seen the film yet, but the story—about a black roadhouse owner in the 1950s American South who stands to lose everything unless he can pull off a Saturday night miracle—sounds good and fun and full of excellent music.

I’m all for the edgy youngsters making edgy movies about their edgy selves. Hey—I was edgy once! Okay, I wasn’t, but I pro-edge.

I’m also pro- grownup movies made by grownups for grownups (although Honeydrippers sounds like something you could take the kids to, and it is PG-13.) And as through-the-looking-glass as it is, films like the ones John Sayles makes—especially films made now, by the no-longer-young John Sayles—are the fringe films in need of support to get a foothold in this crazy marketplace. These well-crafted, beautifully told, thought and emotion provoking stories are what is really edgy and out there.

If you’re in New York or L.A., get out there, too, this weekend. If you’re elsewhere, check to see when it’s rolling out near you in January & February. Read the PDF. Blog it. Do that voodoo that you do so well.

See you at the movies, fellow hipsters…

xxx
c

UPDATE (12/29/07): Feel-good charmer/fable of the season. It’s gentle and sweet, with lovely music and a life-affirming message. Plus, that kickass Sayles storytelling ability.

UPDATE (01/14/08): Another cool DIY film project here, albeit on a much smaller scale: Fat Head, debunking current dietary wisdom, or what passes for it. Start with Michael Blowhard’s great interview of the writer/director, Tom Naughton.

Image of Danny Glover & John Sayles on the set via Flickr and ©2007 John Sayles.

TOPICS: reviews/film.

Hard to believe this is the fourth installment of listy, round-up goodness. However, time cares not what we believe, continuing to march the hell on, regardless.

And so, without further ado…

1. Money might spend itself, but it does not reconcile itself in the QuickBooks.
2. Goals, on the other hand, neither make nor complete themselves.
3. No matter how public you go with them.
4. There is life after land lines.
5. CFLs do not suck nearly as hard as they did five years ago.
6. But they still kinda-sorta suck.
7. Bread + beer - activity = belly.
8. Fortunately, underwear stretches.
9. For someone who claims an ambivalence towards blood relatives, I feel awfully proud that five of my boy-cousins made hanging out with me a priority.
10. There is still no family like family of choice.
11. Even if they happen to be related by blood.
12. Nerds rule.
13. No, seriously—they rule.
14. Whoever said “Life sucks and then you die” was only half-right.
15. Thank christ.
16. Or whomever.
17. Information designers are hot.
18. Portland kicks L.A.’s ass.
19. Seattle doesn’t, but Seattle coffee kicks all coffee’s ass.
20. The real cost of acquiring stuff is the time spent divesting oneself of it.
21. That thing I tell myself, about being able to go back to copywriting? Total lie.
22. When in doubt, do a salute.
23. Or rearrange the furniture.
24. Cheese can tell you a lot about a person.
25. Telling stories is my favorite thing.
26. Helping other people tell stories runs a close second.
27. There is no such thing as too much music.
28. Or books.
29. Facebook is the AOL of social media.
30. Twitter, on the other hand, is the tits.
31. Perimenopause is a lot like having PMS 365 days a year.
32. Atheism makes an excellent hillbilly repellent in a pinch.
33. This design business thing isn’t for everyone.
34. And by “everyone,” I mean me.
35. The Wall Street Journal publishes an entire newspaper every day.
36. And by “every day,” I mean every fucking day.
37. I miss SxSW when I don’t go.
38. Mid-century L.A. apartments were not built for global warming.
39. Neither were mid-century women.
40. The Marines are the second-toughest job you’ll ever love.
41. President of your Toastmasters club being first.
42. We all have a type.
43. Rick’s hamburgers are as good as they say.
44. If you build it, they will come.
45. Dental insurance in 2007 is but a walking shadow.
46. Not to mention a walking shadow, a poor player strutting & fretting and a tale told by an idjit.
47. There really and truly are no shortcuts.
48. There is nothing like fan mail.
49. I can live without everything but truth.
50. Even the lamb sandwich at Cafe du Village.

Can’t wait for Part II? Have I got your number, brother:

2006

• 100 things, Part I
• 100 things, Part II

2005

• 100 things, Part I
• 100 things, Part II

2004

• 100 things, Part I
• 100 things, Part II

TOPICS: annual 100, List-o-rama!.