I am just waiting for the day I get a casting breakdown specifying, “Unnatural, awkward talent only. Must be over-the-top with no ability at all to respond in the moment. Or dead. Dead would be good. Dead, with really, really bad comic timing.”

TOPICS: acting, auditions, commercials, Los Angeles, Rants.

I’ve taken 2 hours out of my very busy day surfing the interweb to audition for you.

I’ve driven 10 miles in the rain at $2.75/gallon with a cityful of rude assholes in luxury assault vehicles to get there.

I’ve suffered the indignity of holding up a magic-markered sign with my name on it as I smiled and slated my name for the camera like a talking fucking cow.

For the love of all that is holy, do not greet me with, “It is such a pleasure to see an actress brave enough to come in and audition in no makeup!”

Twat.

Photo by Marc Alan Davis used under a Creative Commons license

TOPICS: acting, auditions, commercials, Los Angeles, Rants.

From a breakdown (character description) for an audition I have tomorrow:

Caucasian woman, 35-45. Real with character. Not attractive. They probably have some cute or quirky characteristics, but again, they’re not beautiful. We would love a brunette or dark hair but open to all hair colors.

Oh—this is to play a tomato.

Yes, really.

xxx
c

TOPICS: acting, auditions, commercials, Los Angeles, Rants.

Note to anyone* who ever knew me in my previous incarnation as a copywriter:

Dear Former Co-Worker of Mine Who Is Still in Advertising,

Boy! Long time, no time, huh? Where are you guys staying now—Shutters? The Viceroy? Or do you eschew the beach and stay in town? Or maybe you go super-downscale and fly under the radar at the Farmer’s Daughter or that place attached to Swingers? (”You go”? That’s a defunct car from the 70s! AD JOKE! HAHAHA!)

I guess it was a big surprise to see me on the audition tape the nice casting people here in L.A. sent to you, huh? I’ll bet you even stopped eating or took the tape out of fast-forward search, like we used to do when we saw something weird or funny. Are those tapes still as looooong as they used to be? Boy oh boy-ar-dee, this town is lousy with actors, huh?

Of course, even I don’t see many actors nowadays since it’s been reeeeeeally slow lately. Like, for the last two or three years and stuff. You could shoot a cannon through most of those casting places on a lot of days and not hit anyone. Makes me wonder how much longer we’ll both be able to make a living at this, huh? Yikes!

At least we can still run into each other now, like at my audition. Sorry—your audition! Although really technically, it was a callback. Oops—callbacks! One in the morning and then one just enough later in the afternoon for me to drive home, eat lunch and come back! Anyway, I thought something funny was going on when I showed up at the first one and all the other Casual Moms had blonde hair and were pretty. Then I thought maybe the director had called me in as a special choice, but I’d never met him before, plus he seemed to be laughing at everything the guy I was auditioning with did, not me. And then when he didn’t remember meeting me four hours later, I was pretty sure something was up. Et voila! You burst out of the room with your big surprise like a naked lady jumping out of a cake, only you weren’t naked or a lady and there was no cake.

Anyway, it’s great to hear everything is going so well for you. And it’s really amazing that all of you guys that I used to work with at the agency are still working there all those years after I quit. And boy howdy, it is QUITE a coincidence that I turned up on your audition tape. After all, I have only been doing this for 10 years and—wait…10 years? That’s as long as I worked as a copywriter! Hahaha—oops! Better be careful…I’m dating myself! That’s the kiss of death for an actor, right?**

Well, usually, that is. In this case, it doesn’t matter much since (a) you already know how old I am and (b) you’re not going to hire me, anyway. Come on…admit it. Come oooooooon! Because, seriously, I’ve auditioned for tons of you guys now (and mostly I’ve been able to remember your names, which I think is pretty amazing!) and the only one who ever hired me to act on their commercial is an art director who left the business to become a director. I mean, let’s call a spade a spade, right?

But, hey, I’m all for catching up with old pals. Old business acquaintances, too!(And we are OLD now, right? Right? HAHAHA!) So next time you’re coming in to town, send me an email or give me a call. Let me know which fancy hotel you’re staying at and I’ll meet you there for a cocktail—on you, after working hours. You know—all those hours during the DAY that I drive from Assmunch to Albuquerque, auditioning—like I did for you, only for real, to get actual jobs and stuff.

That’s about it. Enjoy your stay in sunny Los Angeles! And good luck with that commercial you didn’t cast me in! I probably won’t see it since I don’t watch much TV anymore, but I’m sure it’ll be really hilarious and great and keep the fires of broadcast advertising going strong for another fifty years. And even if it isn’t, you’ll have a great time in Vancouver or New Zealand or wherever it is you get to go shoot it!

Ciao, bellas!

xxx
c

*And, while this letter was inspired by a recent incident, I do mean “anyone”. You know who you are, you devils, you!

**Actually, this might be the kiss of death. Can you get dooced if you’re self-employed? Or would this be more of a blacklist-type thing?

Photo of the communicatrix by Thomas Lascher

TOPICS: acting, auditions, commercials, Los Angeles, Rants.

I had one of those colossally bad auditions yesterday. The kind where from the moment you walk into the room, not only can you feel it’s not going your way—it would throw up on your shoes and slam the door in your face if it could. And where by the time you slate your name for the guy taping the proceedings, you can no longer tell what you hate more: advertising, America, or yourself, for thinking this might actually be a reasonable way for a grown person to make a living.

To be honest, I was pretty sure it was a lost cause when I went to sign in. Because in addition to there being pages and pages of ladies there before me, (a) no one else had checked the 40+ box (I still pass, but usually I’m with a few other old hags who also pass) and (b) many, many ladies (sorry—girls) had checked the “first audition” box.*

But I digress. Because the fugly nugget I really wanted to talk about was my WRONG CHOICE.

Sometimes, you see, in a commercial audition (and that’s pretty much my gig, these days) there isn’t much call for you to do your classical comedic monologue or even to interact with the other “talent”. Sometimes, they just want to see the real you…or rather, the real you in a close room full of tired ad people and bowls of cheap snacks. On these occasions, your auditors often fall back on the commercial “howdy-do”—a “what’s your favorite color?” or “tell me about your favorite holiday” type of question. Today it was our dream rockstar/actorboy love crush.

Girl One talked about her boyfriend…for five minutes. Girl Two talked about something we all promised wouldn’t leave the room…for four minutes.

I was dead. I like unusual guys. I can no longer lie. I told them it was a tossup between (fetishistic choice) Frank Langella in The 12 Chairs or…Ric Ocasek. (What can I say? I’m a geek. A trip to SIGGRAPH gets me hot, fer criminy.) A (long) heartbeat of stunned silence, followed by 15 seconds of repulsed probing, aaaaaand…you’re out!

I’m sorry, but Ric Ocasek is hot, I’m almost 44 and I have lost the will to fabricate.

This was not my commercial. This was not my commercial. This was not—

Dammit. It was just me they didn’t like…

xxx
c

*This would be a good opportunity to outline the Twin Truths of the Commercial Callback:

1. If you are called back for a spot and when you show up, there are any actors in your category there on a first call, you will not book the job—you have the Taint.*

2. If you are called back for a spot and when you show up, every actor from the first call is there, you do not want to book the job—they are clueless.

TAGS: acting, commercials, auditions

TOPICS: acting, auditions, commercials, Los Angeles, Rants.