The numbers don’t lie.

You can write all you want about life, truth and the pursuit of happiness—the peoples, they just wants their “Project Runway“:

1. Project Runway (Yahoo), project runway (MSN), etc. ad nauseum
2. project runway “vanessa article” (Yahoo),“bravo project runway” vanessa (Google), etc. ad nauseum
3. kara saun fashion week (MSN)
4. music on project runway (Yahoo)
5. banana republic project runway (Yahoo)
6. “project runway” mario (Yahoo)
7. rent video of any episode of project runway (Google)
8. naked project runway (Yahoo)
9. what time is project runway on tonight (Yahoo)

Okay—so 99% of you don’t give a crap about my startling insights into the human condition. I can take a hint. I can go for the quick buck (and I’m absolutely speaking metaphorically, here—this is so not a lucrative venture).

Still, I seek the love like any lost and lonely blogger. Plus, there’s that Virgo motto: “To love is to serve.”

So here’s the quick rundown for you:

1. Skip the searches, guys and gals. The juiciest, best-written stuff on PR is right on the Bravo website. Select any episode and then go to Tim’s Take for Parsons overlord Tim Gunn’s super-fab, ultra-bitchy, ever-insightful spin on the events in question. He makes Michael Musto look like a piker. Rock the fuck on, dude.
2. Here’s the 411 on Vanessa: los-ah! She’s such a los-ah, she even said so herself! And, as we all saw on the penultimate episode, she’s an alcoholic los-ah, to boot! If you are interested in the
   bisection of los-ahs and alcohol, may I suggest this article on Imposter Syndrome? May I also suggest that if you suffer from Imposter Syndrome, you learn to keep your trap shut.
3. Kara Saun should win “PR”. Hell, she’s so good she should win “Survivor,” “The Bachelorette” and “Last Comic Standing,” too. The hell with it. Give her an Oscar, too. Just give her everything.
4. Dude, who gives a crap about the music on “PR?” That track from the Banana Republic ad is the shit. I might go see Chris Pierce at one of his upcoming L.A. gigs. But the crap they play on the show? Sheesh. You need to get out more and stuff.
5. Banana Republic sponsors PR. They are the high-end arm of the GAP and Old Navy. So while there’s a whole lotta savvy marketing going down, I don’t know that they’re the last word in fashion.
6. Mario!? Dude, that’s like digging Ringo when you’ve got John, Paul and George to crush on.
7. You cannot rent videos of any episode of PR yet, dumbass. They’re still airing new episodes.
8. Frankly, I’m thinking “spin-off.” But in case the Bravo brain trust isn’t with me on this, I gotcher naked couture here.
9. Two words: Ya-hoo!

Thanks for reading. See you all on the other side of the “PR” finish line!

xxx
c

TOPICS: Bravo, List-o-rama!, Project Runway, reality TV, Searches, we get searches™, Television, TV.

We’re over the hump on hump day, but those Project Runway/Life Lessons just keep on comin‘…

Thanks to all my Wednesday-only readers who have found me via Google, Yahoo!, Technorati and MSN searches. Just so you know, what I know about fashion would fit in my bra, which, were it to be used for the odd alternate purpose of stowing nuts for winter, wouldn’t hold enough to keep an anorexic squirrel alive for 48 hours after the freeze. (And frankly, given how often I even wear one, I might as well donate it to some alternate cause.)

Lesson 12: Make it Fit!

You think foo-foo is the answer? You obfuscator, you! Don’t you know that any fool with a MasterCard and a high-speed connection can pile on the frippery?

Real men—or, in this case, women—cut fierce. And Kara Saun is 100% fierce in the fit department. Hear the praise her exquisitely cut wedding sheath earns from stern Parsons overlord, Tim Gunn:

I feel about Kara Saun’s work the same way that I feel about the work of Coco Chanel; that is, when you see it you think, “This is exactly what the fashion world has been waiting for!” You can’t predict it. You can’t anticipate it. You simply respond to what is.

Lesson 13: Remember Whose Name is on the Label

Okay, show of hands: who blows rent money to buy couture from the House of Hacque?

I thought so. Contradicting one’s inner voice is a recipe for one giant cheese ball of confusion. I’d rather be Austin and go down in glorious, chiffon-draped flames than wishy-wash my way out by caving to the whims of a sixteen-year-old girl’s idea of fashion. Know what you stand for and then get on your freakin’ feet and off your damned can already. Sheesh.

Lesson 14: Sell Yourself!

The meek may inherit the earth, but only after it’s been picked clean of anything good by the self-promoters. Don’t hide your light under a bushel (ooo…that’s TWO biblical references—I love it when TV and god intersect). Be like Austin: throw on a velvet cape, rock those YSL specs and work the room!

And if you’re not naturally flamboyant and/or gregarious, fake it ‘til you make it. It’s called acting, sugar-face!

Lesson 15: Keep it Original

U gots 2 B U. It’s one thing to pay homage (i.e., steal the right way); it’s quite another to abdicate originality and play copycat. In addition to being crushingly boring (and unethical, despite Tim’s lenient take on the issue), it’s a waste of good, old-fashioned DNA. You got your own map for a reason; quit looking over your neighbor’s shoulder at hers!

Lesson 16: Lead by Example

This challenge had two designers heading up teams of three where each contributed one “look” to a “collection”. Theme? “For the year 2055.” Source materials? Low-end Village vintage shop. As if.

*****VENOM ALERT: Just so we’re all clear on this, I thought everyone sucked ass in this challenge. Imitation of Christ, you ain’t; I’ve seen better deconstructions on Jennifer Beals in Flashdance. END VENOM ALERT.*****

Still, Kevin, Team Leader #1, got the boot because ****SWEARING ALERT**** his design sucked the most ass. If you’re in charge, your contribution to the team should suck the least amount of ass. So if you are a boss, please do not suck ass. ****END SWEARING ALERT.****

—–

Okay, my babies. Last PR tonight! Last set of Life Lessons to follow…

xxx
c

TAGS: 

TOPICS: Bravo, illustration, List-o-rama!, Project Runway, reality TV, Television, TV.

In which we continue to draw Life Lessons from this season’s surprise source of integral wisdom (and ripping-good reality TV), “Project Runway.”

Lesson 10: There’s No Room for Drama on a Deadline

In Episode 4, the designers had to go from working solo to a cluster fuck collaborating in teams! Of three designers each. Mon dieu et zut alors!

Team Kevin fell victim to the drama doldrums when a critical pattern piece went missing. Instead of spending valuable time figuring out a solution, they wasted it (apparently—I’ve still got to catch up) with infighting and hysteria. As Tim so sagely put it, “It was not essential that the pattern piece be found or that retribution be sought for a speculative thief. What was essential is that the design be finished in time for the runway judging.”

What precious commodity—time, energy, effort—are you frittering away on some “missing pattern piece” of your life when you could be getting on with things? Have you not read He’s Just Not That Into You? Do you not get that this is not a dress (OMG!!! ROTFLMAO!!!) rehearsal? Lose the hair shirt! Drop the mantle, Drama Queen! Need I spell it out for you? Tick, tick, tick!!!

Lesson 11: Don’t Fall on Your Sword!

Poor Vanessa. She learned this lesson the hard way. When the judges asked which member of the team was the weak link, Vanessa brought up her own inferior cutting skills. WTF?!? Don’t aspiring couturiers watch “The Apprentice”? Tim knows the score: “Even when up against a wall and caught red-handed with the evidence, don’t volunteer to receive the death sentence; you can’t go backwards from there. I’m reminded of another Susan Hayward film (am I dating myself?) in which her character is accused of murder and imprisoned. It’s called, I Want to Live! That’s the spirit.”

Damn straight, it is! Be your own best friend and your bestest publicist! And if you’ve found yourself on P4 in the underground parking garage of self-esteem, well, then, fake it till you make it, baby! Do you think that if, say, the President of the United States made an egregious error of some sort or another that he’d throw up his hand and cry “Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maximum culpa!”?! Do you think he’d even cry at all? ‘Nuff said.

***

We’re getting down to the wire. Only a few designers and a couple of episodes left. Tonight’s VERY SPECIAL PROJECT RUNWAY is a pastiche of interviews with current and former program contestants. But don’t call it padding; call it an opportunity to learn! Unless of course, you’ve got your whole life figured out and everything, Little Miss Buddha!

xxx
c

TOPICS: Bravo, illustration, Project Runway, reality TV, Television, TV.

Whew! We’re really behind on our Project Life/Project Runway Lessons, so I’m going to have to move a little faster to get us caught up. (Don’t want to get caught in LIFE with our pants down—HAHAHA!)

In Episode 2, the eleven remaining designers (sorry, Daniel—hopefully, you’re making the most of your resources back in Hollywood) were each given a big bolt of cotton tubing and told to depict the deadly sin, ENVY, which is the enemy of LOVE. (NOTE: I did not know that last bit but I found it out on the internets, which are excellent for getting truthful information of all kinds).

For instance, another thing I learned is how much fashion design has in common with international diplomacy:

Lesson 4: Step Back and Be Objective

“One of Kara Saun’s greatest strengths is her ability to objectify her
work; that is, examine it as though someone else created it. This
temporary disengagement gives her the ability to diagnose issues and
prescribe solutions to her designs; solutions that work. Too
frequently, our intentions and our efforts serve to impede our
judgment.”

—”Tim”, from Project Runway

Wow. Condie’s pretty lucky she’s got a lock on that new gig! Sounds like Kara could give her a run for her money! Plus I bet KS would look better on TV in those foxy outfits. (Note to self: buy embroidery hoops to use as earrings.)

Lesson 5: Challenge Yourself

Okay, this one is easy. All Mario did was take his tubing, pull it over the model’s head and make bloody bullet hole thingies to portray the envy because “the fashion industry is cut-throat, so his muse was shot.” WTF?!? Lesson by Colleen: Get off your lazy ass. If you cannot get off your lazy ass, you lose.

Lesson 6: Edit

We should have known that Starr had an editing problem. I mean, look at her name: if she took away an “R,” then she would be a real “Star” and maybe have a regular TV gig and a big wedding with a bunch of free stuff.

Anyway, Starr’s first dress had too many tumors. (Don’t ask.) Then she took a bunch off, which is EDITING, and she had…a dress with less tumors. But she lasted another round, which is more than Mario. Everything in moderation, including moderation. Didn’t Ben Franklin say that? He was kind of an editor, sort of. You should edit more! More than that! More still!

Lesson 7: Be Yourself

Crab, crab, crab. These designers are always crabbing. For instance, Vanessa was crabbing that the challenges were too restrictive, that they didn’t let Vanessa shine through. So Tim says: “Ask yourself what it is about your point of view and design philosophy that transcends all forms of presentation. Think: How would Balenciaga have morphed his work so that it would sell on QVC?”

Touché, my little rag trader, touché…

Lesson 8: Listen and Learn

Big fat old Wendy made it to the third challenge by the skin of her pinking shears. But did she act like the LEW-sah she might well have? No, ma’am-a-rama! As Wendy said herself of this opportunity to design “real” clothes, “If I can’t design the winning dress for this challenge, then I shouldn’t be here. I am Banana Republic!”

Be like Wendy. Take the note. Knock that chip off your shoulder. And when life hands you charmeuse, cut on the bias! (But carefully!)

Lesson 9: Make It Pretty

Poor Starr. As Tim says, “The dress for this challenge looked like a mixture of Poiret, Erte, harlequins, and jesters — worthy inspirations, indeed — but the color relationships, the proportions, the awkward jerking of the fabric as the model walked the runway all screamed “H-E-L-P!!” It was sad. Make it work. Make it pretty.”

Bring the Pretty goes hand in hand with Lesson 6, Edit. After all, even the most exquisite Harry Winston jewelry looks likes poopoo if you wear it all at once. Apparently, Starr likes to drag out all the baubles for her weekly shop at the Ralphs. Sorry, Starr. Next time, make it pretty.

xxx
c

P.S. Don’t forget to watch Episode 8 tonight! The communicatrix is a little caught up in another show right now, but she’ll be back on fashion track pretty darned soon!

TOPICS: Bravo, List-o-rama!, Project Runway, reality TV, Television, TV.

You are a young¹, aspiring designer. You have a dream: wealth, fame and the possibility of immortality via your own couture label (plus maybe a low-end spin-off at Target®). When you are given the opportunity to compete for the realization of that dream, you jump on it. Nothing can stop you now! Nothing except…yourself. DUM DUM DUUUUUUM!!!

Is it any wonder that Bravo’s “Project Runway” is a runaway hit? This is no mere reality trifle exploiting the fashion world—this is an illumination of the human condition, of the triumphs we rejoice in and the tribulations we muddle through. Like all great works of art, by focusing intensely on the specific, “Project Runway” speaks eloquently to the general. And the Lessons of “Project Runway” are like the Lessons of Life (only more stylish and way funner to watch). Listen to “Tim”², “Project Runway“’s designer-judge liaison-type person (and resident sage), and learn…

Lesson 1: Make It Work

For the materials with which you will construct your first creation—a fabulous couture dress—you are sent to the store—the grocery store.

No problem—ever-creative, you fabricate an fanciful frock from packing tape and strategically placed corn husks. You are a genius. You run off to attend to some details (how does one accessorize a husk dress? A tortilla tam? A Sno-Caps clutch?) and when you return—sacre bleu! The husks have dried and shrunken, leaving unseemly bald patches all over your glorious creation!

Do you panic? Do you cry out at the unfairness of the universe, rend your flesh, curse your ignorance of husk water retention? Heckers, no! You slap a bunch of husk shards on the blank parts, et voila: you not only save your dress but win your round—and immunity going into the next challenge!

So the next time tragedy parks itself on your couch with an oversize rolling duffel, remember: if Austin can resuscitate a couture dress under that kind of pressure, you can certainly fix an overly-cumined batch of chili or salvage your crappy relationship.

Better yet, give ‘em both the heave-ho and make yourself your fixer-upper. Because let’s face it, what are we really trying to fix when we work on our “dresses”?

That’s right, people. That’s right…

Lesson 2: Make The Most Of Your Resources

Daniel thought he was soooo smart.³ Everyone else was freaking out about how to make a grocery-store dress with only 50 bucks, and he fashions his from butcher paper and a garbage bag. But as Tim says,

For me, that statement was an instant “uh-oh,” because he wasn’t fully utilizing the extent of his resources. It’s a bit like saying that you have $500.00 to spend on an outfit at Banana Republic and you come away from it wearing a pair of [Banana Republic] boxer shorts and a [Banana Republic] scarf – why? [NOTE: This comment, like "Project Runway," brought to you by Banana Republic.]

If life gives you the equivalent of a $500 shopping spree, don’t “chintz” out (LOL!!! ROTFLMAO!!!) at skivvies and a scarf. Unless, like, the undies are Hanro and the scarf is Hermès or something.

But seriously, use all the brains, beauty and talent you were born with⁴. To do anything less isn’t humility—it’s insulting. I mean, you don’t see Paris letting the moss grow under her feet, do you? Ha. I think I’ve made my point.

Lesson 3: Candy, Not So Dandy

Whew! There are a lot of lessons packed into this episode! (Kinda like…life!)

Wendy crafted her creation out of candy, which the twin terrors of body heat and runway lights almost melted into, as Tim sez, “(a) design too revealing even for cable TV!” Yikes!

“Where is the life lesson in a melted candy dress?” I’ll bet you’re asking. Well, I’ll tell you, smarty-pants: “Choose the people surrounding you not for their sparkly appeal, but for their ability to make it through the long haul…and for their sparkly appeal.”

——

Wow! That was hard and took a long time, too. I guess I’ll come back later with more lessons. In the meantime, make sure you watch “Project Runway” tonight, Wednesday, on Bravo. Back-to-back episodes at 8pm/9pm! First, they each make a swimsuit. Then they make something else, I think together. Oh, bother. I’m too tired to watch the video clip and report back to you. My advice to you is look it up yourself.

Hey! I like giving advice, too! Maybe I should create a reality show where the contestants are all aspiring to be the advice people on reality shows!

xxx
c

¹My bad! Not all of the “Project Runway” contestants are young. “Project Runway” prides itself on its diversity. For example, Kara Saun is black!* And Austin is gay! And Wendy, the old one, is also kind of fat! I heart diversity! And “Project Runway,” too!

²Sorry, I don’t know his last name. I am new to the show since I am a dork who doesn’t watch enough TV. Actually, I watch a lot of TV, but mostly reruns of “Law & Order” (comforting), “King of the Hill” (hilarious and comforting) and “Judge Judy” (disturbing but oddly comforting, and often hilarious). I will try to watch more TV in the future. But all the lesson titles are actually by TIM, called “Tim’s Takes.” Don’t believe me? Go look it up!

³Only I guess he wasn’t, ’cause he’s not on the show anymore!

⁴And your trust fund, too, if you were born with one of those. Only don’t spend it like a jackass. And tithe. Everyone should tithe. Maybe if you’re rich, even double/triple/quadruple tithe. Oprah tithes, and she has lots of really nice clothes and shoes and stuff. But she is also nice, and changes the world for good. So I guess, if you’re rich, call Oprah and ask her about the tithing thing. If you’re that rich, you probably have her number or something anyway.

*And she is so the best one! I hope she wins. Hey! I just realized this is, like, a footnote in a footnote.**

**Wait—this is one, too! Cool!!

TOPICS: Bravo, List-o-rama!, Project Runway, reality TV.