The Quotidian Ones

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 8: URL fire sale!

eat at url's Since today was laundry day, I felt like I could slack off a little on the physical inroads to cleanliness.

But since I've got the bug and my electronic digs could always stand some de-cluttering, and in no small part because I hate greedy, slimesucking pigs who sit on URLs trying to extract a fee from hapless, would-be eNtrepreneurs, I'm offering up the following URLs FREE FREE FREE to anyone who meets the following criteria:

1. You must use the URL within one year.

2. You must email me when you've got something up so I can bask in reflected glory.

3. You must walk me through the transfer.

Heeeeeere they are!

TheSlideFactory.com storytellergraphics.com storyteller-graphics.com slideshowdiva.com slideshow-diva.com designdivaonline.com designdiva-online.com beaneyes.com

xxx c

Photo by SFYahooGuy via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

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Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 7: the carrot and the sticky stuff

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reward I was sure I'd end up cleaning out Mr. Skanky Refrigerator, as Peggy Archer calls it, before tackling the silverware drawer. Think about it: the cold would probably kill most things that could scurry out of the crisper and bite you; in the strange, furry ecosystem of the silverware drawer, you're on your own.

But while making a sloppy, vaguely Mexican, skillet-type dinner, I managed to spill about a quarter cup of tomato juice smack into the forks. I thought about quickly shutting the drawer and pretending I never saw anything (my eyesight is starting to go), but this was lower than even I was prepared to sink.

So I made myself a deal: if I cleaned it out completely, no half-assing!, I'd give myself permission to do something just for fun. In between emptying out and washing (scrubbing...blasting...) the cutlery divider, I'd take the few remaining pictures I'd held in reserve and hang them on the wall.

I know, I know, busman's holiday, right? But I like to putter, so for me, hanging pictures is like eating cupcakes. Besides, the point is, if you have some kind of task you've been putting off because you find it off-putting, maybe there's a way to either barter your way in or make the task more pleasant. I bought my first iPod four years ago and it got me to walk much further than I was without it. I get more laundry-folding, ironing and even tedious Photoshop monkey work done when I treat myself to TV at the same time.

Obviously, YMMV: if your idea of 'treat' is an eight ball and a couple of hookers*, it's going to take a long time to get the chores done (unless the hookers wash while you dry).

But if you just need a little sumpin'-sumpin' to grease the wheel, think about bribery. It's shined up bigger tools than I've found in the silverware drawer...

xxx c

Photo by spalpeen via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

*UPDATE: This zinger courtesy of The BF. He's got a million of 'em...

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 5: eHousekeeping & the reemergence of the blogroll

splorp2 Not strictly apartment cleaning, but my poor, little blog has needed both tidying and sprucing up for awhile.

Besides, it does reside in my computer, which is parked in my apartment.

Ladies and gentleman of the blogosphere, I give you (b)links*: the new and improved blogroll, on its very own page.

xxx c

* blog + links = blinks

Image by splorp via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

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Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 2: Things I Learned About Vinegar

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vinegar 1. It laughs at 6+ years of unsightly shower door buildup.

2. It dissolves in minutes the faucet scale that hours of swearing and hacking away at with a paring knife will not.

3. It has the potential to make corporate America very, very nervous.

4. Ditto the medical-industrial complex.

5. It burns! It buuuuuurns!

xxx c

Photo by evil Beth (best Flickr name ever!), used under a Creative Commons license

On unique selling propositions, BlogHer and the occasional horse's ass

commandeered A stupendous day and a half at the BlogHer 2006 conference, plus a whole lot of driving time to digest what went down, has produced the following fledgling thoughts:

Like most things in life, the value you get out of an endeavor ain't necessarily what you'd thought it would be going in.

It's too early to tell what I'll ultimately take away from my two days parked around a pool in San Jose, but I doubt it will be a better way to drive visitors to my site (although there were tips aplenty) or best practices for my business blogging clients (although not only were there plenty, but a volunteer offered to write them up and post them for the group). More likely, it'll be some echo from the amazing conversation about life and its strange, twisty paths I wound up having in the spa, post-conference, with the wife of a Silicon Valley millionaire. She had never even heard of blogging; I wish she'd start one.

It's the people, stupid.

As opposed to the stupid people, who were in mercifully short supply (see below). Maybe all the smart people weren't exactly to your taste, but there was no lacking for smarties. Open-minded smarties, most of them. Nice.

If you are a dude at an all-chick conference, try extra hard not to make a moron of yourself, okay?

Overall, the men who braved the Electronic EstroFest erred on the side of shutting the hell up, which was kind of too bad. Of course, then one of you has to open your mouth and ruin things for everyone. During a session that will remain nameless, one of your gender got up and made a(n erroneous) statement about branding so ludicrous, I was actually embarrassed for him. Since we are polite ladies and your idiotic remark was also completely off-topic, we let it go. That was not your cue to jump up twice more with additional remarks. Dolt.

Chicks do better food. They just do.

Note to SXSW: you want more women in attendance? Hell, you want more everyone in attendance? Food! Food! Food! I know the city of Austin wants to make a buck, five, for water, but the people at a conference want food, now and always and really accessible. I did not walk five feet from a session EVER at BlogHer without there being baskets of fruit or plates of cookies or dishes of something. It improved my mood enormously. And I couldn't have cared less how many sponsor stickers were plastered on something. Food = good.

xxx c

Photo of my dream bathroom by image415 via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Good-looking vs. attractive...TV SPOTS!!!

liberty mutual ad I know Brandon will be all over my shit for not posting the actual GOOD-LOOKING VS. ATTRACTIVE blog first, but frankly, I am so pissed at Dreamhost now, I can barely write straight*.

Besides, it's too hot here in Ye Olde Time Los-Angeles-with-a-hard-"g" to think deeply. And I'm a former media maven. So I'm using my little corner of Le Web to crow about Liberty Mutual's latest commercial, yes, COMMERCIAL, which makes me weep and soar and want to do everything including go back into copywriting (well, almost). Seriously.

I still haven't figured out how to post goddam videos to my blog, but I'm posting the link to the YouTube upload here (and on the pic itself, natch).

Lovely, lovely, lovely. Almost makes up for that McDonald's crime against humanity where Young Mom and her Lispy Daughter bond over their mutual fabulousness and a faux-healthy UnHappy Meal. Gack gack gack. Could we just dispense with everyone in advertising except the Liberty Mutual people and whoever does the VFX for the GAP and the geniuses behind the new GEICO campaign? Really. I'll give up commercial acting; it's a fair trade.

xxx c

P.S. For the record, I could not disagree more vehemently with the board nerds who be hatin' on the superfantabulous Charo/Bacharach/Little Richard ads. First time I've smiled at a GEICO spot since they stopped airing mine.

*And relax, Brando, it's saved and ready for when I am. Before I leave for Parts North, I promise...

Slush Pile Wednesday: YOU pick the post

slush pile The old-school lit-world isn't the only place where you'll find the crap piled high.

No, my friend, if you're a blogger, you know it all too well...

The Slush Pile.

Yes, that sad, electronic stack of half-gnawed posts festering away on your desktop, your thumb drive, your poor, overworked, shared server. Each one started with the best of intentions before being abandoned in shame and defeat.

But like the crazy old broad in Baby Jane makeup collecting water bottles as she mutters her way down Santa Monica Blvd...or the West L.A. divorcée who can barely sip her frozen scoffee through her $4,000 face...or the too-tan, pot-bellied, man-tittied apartment manager of your popcorn-ceilinged complex in Van Nuys who did a one-off walk-on on Who's The Boss when dinosaurs roamed the Big Three networks...still hoping against hope for something, anything, to spy the intrinsic star quality within.

The Big Losers:

  1. Kick me hard
  2. The vilification of Star Jones, or, what gets your war on
  3. The wholly unjustified anger of the neophyte
  4. Why I love Oprah
  5. Kill your SUV
  6. Now you has jazz! Jazz! Jazz!
  7. Pha(r)t baby
  8. Juicy
  9. Good-looking vs. attractive
  10. The road to happiness is paved with delayed gratification
  11. Even ze orchestra is beautiful

Some are almost fully written; some are just a title that amused me briefly before leaving me befuddled. That don't scare me none. Pick your favorite; pick your least favorite. I'll write it up and post it next week, no matter how lame the title, out-of-date the topic or convoluted the idea.

And for anyone who's interested and/or uninspired, all of the rest of the post titles are for sale...

xxx c

Image by Whatknot via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

New Release Tuesday!

grilled A few interesting, synchronous things have happened recently:

Robert Bruce, American Poet, has been after me to get all performance on your asses.

King of All [ONLINE] Media, chartreuse, has been after me to upload that slab o' Nightline for your asses.

And last, but certainly not leastly, my superstah pal, Jason, and his lovely honey, Lily, gave me the go-ahead to go ahead and link to his newly-available-on-DVD movie, Grilled, which stars more people who could buy and sell all of our asses than any movie I've seen in awhile (to be fair, I've been living in sad documentary Land of late).

Apparently, the third time's a charm. So watch and enjoy, er, rather, click on the big picture above, which will take you to YouTube, and then watch and enjoy.

(Now if any of you WordPress geniuses out there can help me figure out how to use this Video Blogger Plugin to actually embed the @#$*(@&% things, we could actually get this show on the road...)

xxx c

Me, as punchline

gross photo The Nightline piece aired last night.

As usual, more TV-hooey, the trumped-up gist of which was that brides today want to be photographed like hoors on their wedding day, probably because, as one photog (not mine) put it, "It's the best they'll ever look in their lives."

Me? I feel the same way about posing in the altogether as I do in a branded piece of clothing: you wanna shoot me like a whore, I wanna get paid like one, brother.

Regardless of how stupid the segment was, it was a nice reminder of what great pictures he took.

Too bad the marriage didn't...

xxx c

Photo in background of me in the hotel bathroom on my wedding day, applying mascara (probably bought specially for the occasion because I didn't own any) by brilliant wedding photographer Steven E. Gross.

Sparky Donatello's Self-Portrait Marathon, Installation #1

Colleen WSJ stipple Sometimes the path to self-clarity involves a lot of sketching.

This time, it involved a lot of Photoshop filters.

Not much time left to the marathon. Then again, there's not that much time left to my marathon, if you catch my drift.

So here I am on the high board, jumping. Watch me, Mom! Mom, watch me! Mom! Are you watching? Moooooooooooooooom...

xxx c

More on the Self-Portrait Marathon at Crack Skull Bob, here. Link to Wally Torta's genius work on Flickr, here.

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Why I watch KING OF THE HILL every day from 5 - 6

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the guys as king of the hill Peggy Hill: (exasperated but patient) Luanne, have you ever wondered why I spend every Friday night with you?

Luanne: (tentative) Because I challenge you with my intellectual?

xxx c

More King of the Hill goodness at this GeoCities King of the Hill Information Site

Image "The Guys as King of the Hill" via MZ Web Productions Photo Gallery

Me! On DVD!

Subject Line Here If I'd had it together, I'd have had Shane do a screen capture of yours truly on stage to accompany this post.

Whatever. I don't have it that together and it's too hot to pester anyone for anything non-essential. Besides, it's an excuse to use my beaut-a-mous artwork again.

DVD of the first iteration of that all-L.A.-blogger extravaganza, SUBJECT LINE HERE, available for purchase. Cost? 15 buckeroos, including postage. All proceeds go to benefit SLH's charity of the evening, the Leukemia/Lymphoma Society (via fellow blogger, Wil Wheaton's Team in Training).

The videographer even put in chapters so you can skip to me and watch over and over again.

To order your copy, email subjectlineheredvd - at- gmail - dot - com, only, you know, without the spaces and stuff. You'll be emailed back details on how to purchase.

Thanks for playing...literally!

xxx c

Colleen of the Past, tonight on Nightline

stevengrossphotoMarriage doesn't always last, but the photographs are forever. At least, they are when your wedding photographer goes on to become Wedding Photographer to the Stars.

From an e-mail I received yesterday:

Hi Colleen,

Hope this finds you well!

As you can see from the subject line I was a subject in an interview on TV. As we were setting up the interview the camera man said lets have a shot in the background. An assistant went downstairs and brought up a box of images. I let the camera man pick one out, it was one of you fixing your eyes! I hope your cool with that! Well, it will air tomorrow night! Check it out.

What can I say? The camera(man) loves me... xxx c

UPDATE: We've been bumped. Clip to air sometime next week. Maybe.

Photograph of some other bride's feet by Steven E. Gross, because honey, I lost those pix a long time ago...

Miss Colleen's Wild Ride

autopia I love Disneyland. I have been there many times, as an adult, as a kid...

But I have never been to Disneyland as an adult with a kid. Er...accompanying a kid. Kids, actually. Plural.

Not mine, of course, The BF's. They are magnificent children, bright and nerdy and full of the old whoop-dee-doo. How much whoop-dee-doo, you ask? Enough to spend 14 hours at the Happiest Place on Earthâ„¢. FOURTEEN MOTHERFUCKING HOURS! Like I said, they're great kids, lots of fun, a minimum of whining. But FOURTEEN MOTHERFUCKING HOURS!?! My limit up until yesterday was twelve. Thirteen, maybe.

Anyway, I had no idea that, outside of Moments with Mr. Lincoln, Disneyland could be so edumacational. I give you...

TEN THINGS I LEARNED ON MY LAST TRIP TO DISNEYLAND

1. The rides are just one big loss leader to sell the merch.

2. I don't care how politically incorrect it is, the Enchanted Tiki Room still kicks major theme park ass.

3. On the other hand, one ride on George Lucas' barf simulator (a.k.a. STAR TOURS) is more than enough.

4. Unless you have a really good inner ear.

5. Or are 8.

6. Or are the younger sister of someone who is.

7. The entire reason why America is such a horrific place can be summed up in the width differential between the waiting areas created pre-1989 and post.

8. The FastPassâ„¢ surpasses e-mail, RSS and home delivery of the Sunday paper in its amazing, time-saving excellence.

9. The scariest part of any ride in the entire park is realizing you can't get out of the Haunted Mansion when you are with two small people who want to do exactly that, and NOW!

10. Even given all of the above, Disneyland is still the Happiest Place on Earthâ„¢...

xxx c

THE REVIEWS ARE IN (or, 'But enough about me; what do you think of me?')

Via email from Neil Kramer, a.k.a. Citizen of the Month, who brought the world-famous Sophia to last week's premiere performance of Subject Line Here, an evening of L.A. bloggers reading their stuff out loud:

Car ride home (well, actually to Canter's)

Me: "So, what did you think of Communicatrix?"

Sophia: "For someone so skinny, there was something about her that was very sexy.

Me: "What about her reading? Wasn't she good?"

Sophia: "A little too geeky for my taste."

Mine, too, Sophia; mine, too...

xxx c

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Cheering the Hell Up, Day 20: Perspective

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perspective This was supposed to be a post about stolen kisses and how much better they can make us feel than the regularly available kind. As usual, it was compelling, beautifully written, and of the utmost importance to humanity.

Until I tried to save it and found that my host's servers were down.

Again.

And I hadn't saved my brilliant musings in a text file.

Again.

And, because I've been a little scared/lonely/whatever the past couple of days (not enough kisses?), I took it in the kind of stride you'd expect: I broke down in tears of frustration.

Then I went off to make myself some yogurt. And coffee. And eggs.

And somewhere during my kitchen putterings or the long walk back to my desk, it occurred to me how unbelievably lucky I was to be in my apartment on a Thursday morning at 11am, making coffee and eggs and yogurt. That if the worst thing to happen to me today was lousy hosting service, not only was that not too bad, but that I had control over how bad I felt it to be.

So I sat down with my coffee and eggs and wrote about this, instead.

How does that make me feel?

Even better than stolen kisses.

But I'm backing this up in a text file, just in case...

xxx c

Photo by S@Z via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

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Cheering the Hell Up, Day 17: Home, Sweet Home

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homesweethome.jpg If you cultivate a true appreciation for your body, it will repay you in vitality.

If you cultivate a true appreciation for your psyche, it will repay you in peace.

If you cultivate a true appreciation for your home, it will repay you in comfort.

Here's to Chez Communicatrix: small enough to keep upkeep inexpensive; crowded enough to remind me to streamline possessions; noisy enough to remind me I'm a part of the human race.

May your home, whatever its size, bring you comfort, joy and infinite possibilities for self-exploration.

xxx c

Photo by koolscatcat via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

Cheering the Hell Up, Day 14: Live! From L.A.! It's Bloggity Night!

Subject Line Here Possibly the only thing I like better than talking to people is talking to people who are whooping it up for a good cause.

Shane Nickerson has put together a kickass lineup of L.A. bloggers reading favorite pieces from their own blogs. They are:

• Paul Davidson • AJ Gentile • Carly Milne • Shane Nickerson • Annie Sertich • Jessica Mae Stover • Colleen Wainwright • Wil Wheaton

And, in case the gloriously beautiful image above isn't displaying, details are:

SUBJECT LINE HERE 8 Bloggers Sound Off on Just About Everything Friday, June 16 // 7:30pm at ImprovOlympic 6366 Hollywood Blvd (b/w Vine & Cahuenga) $15 (benefits Leukemia/Lymphoma Society)

I'm not sure yet how reservations are being handled, and I know IO is 21+ because they serve booze. But it should be a fun evening with lotsa laffs, and THAT'S the way to cheer yourself up!

xxx c