I Am Mrs. Potato Head

mrsphead.jpgBetween a long bout of enforced relaxation and finding the true love of her life (ooooo...izza good widdle bloggy blog?...yes, it is! yes it is!), the communicatrix did a little online dating. Correction: a lot of online dating.

Yes, before I was the communicatrix, I was Mrs. Potato Head. And tiny_monkey and mrs. nom de plume and ETICKET399 (yeah, I know I was dating myself...no pun intended). It's a point of pride with me to apply the same zeal to all my gigs, paying and non-paying. And yes, this was a non-paying gig.

Anyway, there is a heap-load of dross to sort through online and I got emailed by a lot of it. I imagine gals in the under-40 set have their own trash to sort through, and given my own volume of mail, I can't imagine how the under-30 gals ever get to the bottoms of their in-boxes.

But the over-40, reasonably attractive, female online dater has her own set of peccadilloes to deal with. I was generous at first, but after a few (several...countless...) "interesting" experiences, I became a bit more ruthless. At this point, it's unlikely that anyone could scale my online wall of "don't"s, so I've pretty much given up on the online proposition. (Note that I did not say "completely," so I can't divulge where I'm still trolling these days with information like the portal is VERY FUNNY and I am listed under my ACTUAL AGE and LOCATION. Sleuth away, suckahs!!!)

Part of my mission on this blog is to share my path that others might find shortcuts. In this case, the ladies will have to read between the lines, but I am s p e l l i n g o u t for you gentlemen some of the more egregious red flags I've found in profiles, emails and even first dates.

And so...

10 Sure-Fire Ways to NOT Get Into the Communicatrix's Pants:

  1. Post a picture of yourself standing next to your car, boat or plane.
  2. Wear your sunglasses!
  3. Make sure the photo is at least three years old.
  4. Be at least 10 years/50 lbs. outside of my search parameters but email me anyway because you're sure I'll make an exception in your case.
  5. Post your profile in a younger age category because you don't want to get aced out of some hot young chick's search parameters.
  6. Be sure to tell me in your profile that you look MUCH YOUNGER than your photo because I have NO EYES with which TO SEE THIS FOR MYSELF.
  7. When I email you a polite "no, thanks" to your query, be sure to email me back berating me for not going out with you because bellicosity is a HUGE turn-on and will for sure change my mind about dating you.
  8. If I meet you at a speed-dating event, try to see how much venom you can spew about "money-grubbing bitches" and "cheap whores" before the bell rings.
  9. When we finally talk on the phone, repeat over and over that you're not sure if we'll be a good match because I'm so petite, and when I still don't get it, shout out that you're afraid you'll rip me apart with your huge cock.

And finally, the surest-fire way NOT to get a date with the c-trix:

10. Send me a picture of yourself on your bed holding your (tiny) penis.

Happy hunting, everyone!

xxx c