Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesAn occasional feature that uses arcane references, impenetrable humor and the accumulated bile of hours and hours spent listening to reactionary talk radio to mock any poor sap unlucky enough to stumble on my speck of the web. argo starch handy hints for the home (Google)

Goddamn Heloise, always stealing my material.

watch a free clip of William Hung singing Shebang (Yahoo)

Wait, there are clips of William Hung someone pays to watch?

camels hump prednisone picture (AOL)

Those randy camels will go after anything that isn't nailed down.

crapping elephant clip (Google)

I think you do have to pay to see this one.

bad jesters coloring sheets free (Yahoo)

Rodeo clown modeling kits, however, very expensive.

Mr Potato Head Costume Sewing Pattern (Google)

Doesn't he have a hard time threading the machine with those big plastic hands?

"tight prom dress" (Google)

Duuuuude! I thought they busted up after the reunion tour.

punk pioneer demanded seven dwarfs (MSN)

Oh, yeah? Well, My Very Elegant Mother Just Sat Upon Nine Porcupines, muthafuckah!

business looking for shirts (Google)

Paging Sally Struthers...

is jiggy pen still in business? (Ask Jeeves)

Yes, but GetDownWithYourBadSelfâ„¢ notebooks went the way of New Coke and Mr T cereal.

xxx c

Calling all Californians

I'll confess straight off: I'm not exactly super-hot on marriage as in institution. I succumbed once, it didn't take, and the entire experience left me with big questions about the codification of relationships.

And yet. And yet...

Until every gay person has the same right to parent a child that the most irresponsible straight person has now...

Until all gay couples in primary relationships have the same rights to shared property and access that straight, married couples have now...

Until the whitest, uptightest, far-right-est person in America doesn't give a rat's patootie who sleeps with whom in whose bed and where they send their kids to school in the morning...

...I've gotta say, we need this to happen.

I was deleting those emails about calling the Governor's office to urge him to sign AB 849, the Religious Freedom and Civil Marriage Protection Act (come on, people...there's a FLOOD, here, fer criminy) but after reading this eloquent plea from John August, renowned screenwriter, generous blogger, gay father, I finally called today.

The number to the Governor's office is: (916) 445-2841.

If that's busy, you can try one of the local numbers (he's got branches!):

Fresno: 559-445-5295

Los Angeles: 213-897-0322

Riverside: 951-680-6860

San Diego: 619-525-4641

San Francisco: 415-703-2218

It's the right thing to do and offers an excellent glowy-feeling-to-effort-expended ratio. I highly recommend it.

xxx c

UPDATE: That spineless weasel. Call anyway. Register your extreme displeasure. I swear, how many times in one week do I have to be ashamed to call myself an American?

In Memory of the Late, Great Elaine Gloria Gottschall

elaine gottschallThree years ago today, I met my friend, Lily, each in our respective pairs of dark glasses, to see the guilty-pleasure, chick flick, Blue Crush; it was the last movie I was well enough to see in a theater for four months.

Four days later, I was admitted via the emergency room to Cedars Sinai, due mainly to a collaboration of genius trickery on the part of my sainted sister, Liz, and my brand new G.I. doctor, Graham Woolf, who the day before had looked over the results of a colonoscopy done seven months before by a colleague, a highly-respected colorectal surgeon at Cedars, and informed me, for the first time, that I had Crohn's disease.

How bad was it? I weighed 90 lbs. after they slapped an I/V on me and dumped in two liters of fluid. I was shitting upwards of 20x/day. I had been running fevers for weeks, many of them in excess of 100º, four over 104º. The night before my admittance, my temperature shot up so high, 104.4º, I had to lower myself into a tub of cold water to bring down the fever; Tylenolâ„¢ wouldn't put a dent in it. I was mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, so much so that I stayed in the hospital 11 days (for those of you lucky enough to have avoided it, an almost unheard-of amount of time in this day and age).

I got a little bit better during my stay. They managed to get break the fever, probably thanks to the bottomless cocktail of antibiotics and prednisone they had me on. The two pints of blood I'd shat out of my ass had been replaced, and the bleeding, at least, the heavy bleeding, had stopped. But despite the unbelievable quantities of food I was ingesting, double breakfasts, lunches and dinners, supplemented by matzoh ball soup and turkey sandwiches from Jerry's Deli smuggled in by friends and associates, I could not get the scale to move.

At the end of that 11-day stretch, I was given a choice: I could stay at the hospital over the weekend, let them continue to observe me, hope that my shit count dropped and my weight improved and go on a much more aggressive round of drug therapy the following Monday if it didn't; or I could go home and see if I got any better there.

I went home with a case of Similacâ„¢ my sister and I picked up for me at the drugstore and a copy of Elaine Gloria Gottschall's Breaking the Vicious Cycle; by the next day, I'd dumped the Similacâ„¢ down the drain and gone on the Specific Carbohydrate Diet (SCD) to eliminate my Crohn's.

Elaine Gottschall wasn't a big, noisy hero. She never set out to change the lives of thousands of people with inflammatory bowel diseases. She was just a mom desperate to help her very sick daughter. But after seeing the remarkable recovery Judy made on the grain-free, lactose-free, sucrose-free diet Dr. Sidney Valentine Haas suggested, Elaine went back to school at the age of 47, earning degrees in biology, nutritional biochemistry and cellular biology so that she could learn the science behind the diet and make sure that the diet did not die with Dr. Haas.

Long after things were better, after her daughter was well, after she'd written the book, after there was a strong support network for the SCD on- and offline, Elaine continued to stay active in the SCD community, talking to newbies via the Long Island Listserv and answering emails, phone calls and faxes. In her last years, Elaine devoted most of her limited time on the SCD/Autism site, working with parents who had their kids on the stricter SCD (prevailing wisdom in that community has kids on the GF/CF diet).

There's no money in food, as we say on the SCD List, so the drug companies stay away and the medical community remains skeptical of the curative powers inherent in Right Diet. But a few doctors here and there are willing to think outside the box, thank you, Dr. Haas, and a few people are brave and selfless enough to upend their lives to ease the pain and suffering of others.

According to an e-mail I received last evening, Elaine Gottschall died peacefully on September 5th, 2005, her immediate family by her side.

Her extended family mourns her passing from a little farther off. And once the mourning is over, let's hope we celebrate her legacy by carrying on the good work she began almost 50 years ago.

xxx
c

Photo of Elaine Gottschall courtesy of PecanBread.com, ©2005

Quotation of the Day/Katrina edition

Found in the comments section to this rant on Steve Gilliard's The News Blog against Bush, his administration and his many supporters:

Steve: I understand your anger, but this is not the time for finger pointing. It's the time for calm, moderate, actions like putting the entire Bush administration on a chain gang and sentencing them to clean the streets of NOLO on their hands and knees for the rest of the their miserable, ugly, wasteful lives.

, Citizen K

xxx c

[thanks, Ken]

Not-Really-Weekly roundup

Churchsign I love the Church Sign Generator. [via Ryland Sanders's A Boy and His Computer]

The queen of the D-list is anti-Lasikâ„¢, too, but for very different reasons than I am.

The real reason why there are so many sucky movies.

Come for the sexy design; stay for the cool games. [via memepool]

Al_keyda_00000004Come for the political commentary; stay for the hilarious cameo. [thanks, Mike H.]

Who died and let "tolerance" be defined by the intolerant? Mark Morford's rousing exhortation to his liberal brethren to take back the night. [via Ravi Narisimhan]

Best t-shirt I've seen in some time that I will not wear because the colors would make my honky complexion look like crap.

Best t-shirt I've seen in some time that I will not wear because I don't have the stones.
Whileromeburns_1

Monkey funny. [via Mrs. Kennedy]

And finally, a little fiddling while Rome burns... [via BoingBoing]

xxx
c

Photo of Commander-in-Chief George W. Bush taken on August 31, 2005 [AP photo/ABC News, Martha Raddatz]

Prison Break

A brief quiz: The communicatrix would like FOX's hot-'n'-juicy new episodic to kick ratings ass because:

(a) The OC jumped the shark and she needs SOMETHING to look forward to, for fuck's sake

(b) it stars a former acting class acquaintance whom she got to kiss once in a scene* and would like to be able to brag about without having to explain who he is

(c) the hopelessly juvenile in her gleefully anticipates people calling it "Pee Break"

(d) who doesn't like a good prison story, dammit?

(e) all of the above

xxx c

*For the record, while he was a very good kisser, there were no sparks on either side; it was strictly a "duty" kiss**.

**I said "duty".

Image of the glorious Wentworth Miller in Prison Break via FOX's official Prison Break website and lots of snapshot-taking and Photoshop re-configuring because the #@$%&*(s did it all in Flash, damn their eyes. 

On punctal plugs, fatty acids and healthy fears of elective procedures

As I: (a) must needs wear contacts on occasion to pursue That Hobby That Provides Me With Health Care; (b) am cursed with two of the driest, flattest eyeballs on record; and (c) am rather vocal on the discomfort this combination produces, my long-suffering optometrist has been suggesting for years that I consider punctal occlusion as a means of relief...for both of us. (He has also started suggesting that I entertain the idea of bifocals, which is even more galling, albeit for entirely different reasons.) While I'm sure none of you would take issue with the insertion of soft plastic or silicone inserts into one of the three eentsy-weentsy ducts that supply lubrication to the eye while you were wide-fucking-awake, I, an admitted crank, have a bit of a problem with it. And Lasik? Why anyone who wasn't 99.9999% blind already would let a complete stranger cut a flap in their eyeball with a burning-hot laser, while they were wide-fucking-awake*, is so beyond me it's crossed the International Date Line twice, stopped for pizza and laid down for a short nap.

Actually, it's the cavalier attitude most of the medical profession seems to take with elective surgery that really blows my mind. I'm not surprised civilians want tighter tummies and freedom from the tyranny of corrective lenses, but I am a little blown away that there are so many people who've sworn an oath to first-do-no-harm who apparently believe it's enormously helpful to slice and dice someone to feelings of self-fulfillment. And I'm not talking about the saints who give poor little deformed children a shot at some kind of a life; I'm talking about people spending years of their life in med school to learn how to make Michael Jackson's face even scarier. Didn't we all see that Twilight Zone episode where they only had to hire four actors to make the point about everyone being beautiful in their own special way?** Where is the love, people?

The thing is, some doctors are just plain rotten and NO doctor knows everything. Sure, they take that oath thingy and I'm sure most of them really, really mean it***, but still, just because they went to school longer than you did doesn't mean they know everything. Remember, this is the same brotherhood that used to think Thalidomide was a good idea for pregnant ladies. So while I'm really, really careful about the doctors I'll let anywhere near me, I'm equally careful about what I will and won't let the elite cadre prescribe for me. So far, I've done fine hanging onto that gallbladder, uterus and large intestine; on the other hand, I really wish I'd followed my gut on hormonal birth control, the little purple ring that sent me into my first bona fide Crohn's flare.

My bottom line is this: there is no silver bullet. I'm a firm believer in Newton's Third Law of Physics and the wisdom of Blood, Sweat & Tears: everything, from vitamins Tom Cruise is pushing**** to the prednisone that saved my bacon back in 2002 to that baby aspirin old Doc Shafton warned my mother about, is going to do something else besides the thing you took it to do.

Still, sometimes you gotta do something about your flat, dry eyeballs. The least invasive procedure wins my vote, and in this case, it looks like increasing my ratio of omega-3 to omega-6 fatty acids could help the dryness factor. In fact, since I'm pretty sure increasing that ratio could help, period, I'm seizing this eyeball thing as my opportunity to cut back on bad fats, slow my caffeine creep, and generally reverse the long, slow slide into total physical neglect I've been enjoying for months now.

Maybe it'll work; maybe it won't.

But we'll see, won't we?

xxx c

*Especially people in CALIFORNIA, where there are EARTHQUAKES that happen WITHOUT WARNING, including DURING YOUR SURGERY. If you must slice & dice, go somewhere where you're pretty much guaranteed the ground under your doctor's feet won't move in mid-flap.

**Or, for that matter, the other one where they didn't have to pay any actors at all to make the point.

***This includes the Boneheaded Yet Otherwise Highly-Skilled Colorectal Surgeon who neglected to tell me how advanced my Crohn's was until it was so far gone he felt it appropriate to sketch pictures at my hospital bedside of the new rectum he was going to build for me. Remember, surgeons like to cut; that's what they do.

****For the record, while I think Tom Cruise is an utter asshat for dressing down anyone who has found blessed relief from chemical imbalance through the miracle of SSRIs, when my shrink wanted to put me on anti-depressants, I researched causes of depression on the Interweb and found enough natural ways to keep the demon at bay that I could let the talk therapy do its thing. But, unlike Mr. Couch-Jumper, I fully understand the concept of YMMV. Tom Cruise = Scientologist nutcase; communicatrix = product of hippie-60s upbringing. 'Nuff said.

The face of today's fruit

From a breakdown (character description) for an audition I have tomorrow:

Caucasian woman, 35-45. Real with character. Not attractive. They probably have some cute or quirky characteristics, but again, they're not beautiful. We would love a brunette or dark hair but open to all hair colors.

Oh, this is to play a tomato.

Yes, really.

xxx c

Hot Slut of the Day?

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Me, the Weird Family Mom, originally uploaded by communicatrix.

Dear Michael K:

As my new-favorite blogging hero, I'm sure you can understand the gi-NOR-mous pressure we bloggers face to produce fresh, tasty posts in a timely fashion.  Why, it's exhausting, I tell you! Frankly, I don't know how you do it, but you are, as you would say, one hot slut and we're all just lucky to be living in your world.

Anyway, I'm thinking that if you made me Hot Slut of the Day, my bitches might forgive my shameful lack of hot, juicy posts recently. Hell, they'd probably be excited just to see me make the Birthday Sluts list; if you want to do that, my birthday is coming up fast, September 13th! Can you believe that shit? Crazy, right?

Anyway, you wouldn't even have to use my picture or anything, but if you wanted, you could use this hott shot of me on stilts my friend, Ken, just emailed me. Hott, right?

Thanks, and keep that DList action going.

xxx
c

P.S. Are you really a porn model? That's hott!

TECHNORATI TAGS: ,

Karmic payback's a bitch...and so am I!

Note to anyone* who ever knew me in my previous incarnation as a copywriter: Dear Former Co-Worker of Mine Who Is Still in Advertising,

Boy! Long time, no time, huh? Where are you guys staying now, Shutters? The Viceroy? Or do you eschew the beach and stay in town? Or maybe you go super-downscale and fly under the radar at the Farmer's Daughter or that place attached to Swingers? ("You go"? That's a defunct car from the 70s! AD JOKE! HAHAHA!)

I guess it was a big surprise to see me on the audition tape the nice casting people here in L.A. sent to you, huh? I'll bet you even stopped eating or took the tape out of fast-forward search, like we used to do when we saw something weird or funny. Are those tapes still as looooong as they used to be? Boy oh boy-ar-dee, this town is lousy with actors, huh?

Of course, even I don't see many actors nowadays since it's been reeeeeeally slow lately. Like, for the last two or three years and stuff. You could shoot a cannon through most of those casting places on a lot of days and not hit anyone. Makes me wonder how much longer we'll both be able to make a living at this, huh? Yikes!

At least we can still run into each other now, like at my audition. Sorry, your audition! Although really technically, it was a callback. Oops, callbacks! One in the morning and then one just enough later in the afternoon for me to drive home, eat lunch and come back! Anyway, I thought something funny was going on when I showed up at the first one and all the other Casual Moms had blonde hair and were pretty. Then I thought maybe the director had called me in as a special choice, but I'd never met him before, plus he seemed to be laughing at everything the guy I was auditioning with did, not me. And then when he didn't remember meeting me four hours later, I was pretty sure something was up. Et voila! You burst out of the room with your big surprise like a naked lady jumping out of a cake, only you weren't naked or a lady and there was no cake.

Anyway, it's great to hear everything is going so well for you. And it's really amazing that all of you guys that I used to work with at the agency are still working there all those years after I quit. And boy howdy, it is QUITE a coincidence that I turned up on your audition tape. After all, I have only been doing this for 10 years and, wait...10 years? That's as long as I worked as a copywriter! Hahaha, oops! Better be careful...I'm dating myself! That's the kiss of death for an actor, right?**

Well, usually, that is. In this case, it doesn't matter much since (a) you already know how old I am and (b) you're not going to hire me, anyway. Come on...admit it. Come oooooooon! Because, seriously, I've auditioned for tons of you guys now (and mostly I've been able to remember your names, which I think is pretty amazing!) and the only one who ever hired me to act on their commercial is an art director who left the business to become a director. I mean, let's call a spade a spade, right?

But, hey, I'm all for catching up with old pals. Old business acquaintances, too!(And we are OLD now, right? Right? HAHAHA!) So next time you're coming in to town, send me an email or give me a call. Let me know which fancy hotel you're staying at and I'll meet you there for a cocktail, on you, after working hours. You know, all those hours during the DAY that I drive from Assmunch to Albuquerque, auditioning, like I did for you, only for real, to get actual jobs and stuff.

That's about it. Enjoy your stay in sunny Los Angeles! And good luck with that commercial you didn't cast me in! I probably won't see it since I don't watch much TV anymore, but I'm sure it'll be really hilarious and great and keep the fires of broadcast advertising going strong for another fifty years. And even if it isn't, you'll have a great time in Vancouver or New Zealand or wherever it is you get to go shoot it!

Ciao, bellas!

xxx c

*And, while this letter was inspired by a recent incident, I do mean "anyone". You know who you are, you devils, you!

**Actually, this might be the kiss of death. Can you get dooced if you're self-employed? Or would this be more of a blacklist-type thing?

Photo of the communicatrix by Thomas Lascher

It cost me $4 to blog this! (Part 2)

Things I think the Los Angeles Municipal Traffic Court could still use a little work on after spending (almost) all day here:

  1. Stairs you can use during peak elevator time without setting off the alarms and being greeted at your destination by the L.A. County Sheriff's deputy.
  2. More elevators.
  3. Lots more electrical outlets.
  4. Definitely more Aquafina in the machine.
  5. Someplace you can actually get to on one of your allotted 20-minute breaks from the jurors' waiting room where they serve a decent cup of coffee. Like maybe a Starbucks in the lobby. Or, barring that...
  6. Those vibrating pagers they use at suburban franchise restaurants. The benefits of the electronic tether have been amply proved (proven?) in the private sector.
  7. Pay TV and free fucking WiFi*, not the other way around. Because hearing snippets of Regis & Kelly, Montel and I Wanna Be A Soap Star are not making my time go any faster. And subjecting me to that Judge Judy wannabe on Divorce Court is cruel and unusual punishment.
  8. Better instructional video. If cost is an issue, you could just run an old episode of Law & Order. We'll get the point and the production values are vastly superior. Remember, a happy juror is a fair and impartial juror!
  9. One of those lists like they used to send your mom before you went to camp stuck into your jury summons so you could come prepared. I mean, all I know is there are a lot more people lying around watching TV than there are Judge Hacketttttt fans. Trust me on this.
  10. Air-conditioning. That. Works. We live in a desert, people!

And finally...

BONUS EXTRA: Actual judge who comes by to thank us for coming in = good. Actual judge who comes by and uses his meet-and-greet to pretend he is up doing five at the Improv = bad. We are not here of our own volition, sipping overpriced cocktails at the end of a long, working day and predisposed for a few laughs; as you pointed out in your hilarious set, we were SUBPOENAED!!!

And that's me, my civic duty (hopefully) done for one more year. (Heh heh heh...I said "duty"!)

xxx
c

*I mean, WTF? Four bucks an hour to jump on some crappy My First PC to surf? And I can't even use my thumb drive to transfer files? Who's got the franchise on this piece of pork?**

**BTW, I actually stuck this one in the suggestion box. So all you prospective jurors who have your free WiFi next month*** have me to thank.

***Bwahahahaha!!! Suckahs!!!

It cost me $4 to blog this! (Part 1)

Things I think the Los Angeles Municipal Traffic Court actually got right after spending most of the day here:

  1. The chairs in the jury waiting room. Surprisingly comfy, really.
  2. Free parking. With in/out privileges!
  3. The Magic Badge that gets you to the front of the line. In fact, I think a civilian version of the Magic Badge would go over like gangbusters, and imagine the additional revenue you could generate with a Post Office or DMV LinePass. I would even go for an SUV Carpool Lane Gimme Pass, provided it were non-transferrable and $500,000/year.
  4. The free weekly Metro pass option. Kicks ass over the 34-cents/mile dealio (which, for those of you who have been AVOIDING your civic duty by THROWING OUT your subpoenas, you only get one way).
  5. The hour-and-a-half lunch, with an extra 15 minutes up front so we can beat everyone else outta here at peak elevator times.

BONUS EXTRA: Free reading material provided by the state = good. Free reading material that skews heavily to the weirdest common denominator = bad. (Although if you replaced the Men's Journal/turgid romance novel action with some more left-leaning publications -- say, Granta and JANE , my problem pretty much goes away.

xxx
c

TECHNORATI TAGS:

How to kill a crab

Sealife3I've been cranky lately. Maybe it's too much caffeine; maybe it's too much to do (and no impetus to do it). But I'm getting that weird, itchy, short-fused feeling that happens either when I'm due for a trip out of town (which I am) or I'm in transition (which I am) or I've overloaded my circuits (which...well, you get it).

I notice it in traffic and in my dealings with calmer, more even-keeled people. I practically freaked my friend, Mark, right out of his flip-flops today when I sailed into his house like a bat on speed, hurling various items from my shoulder to various corners of the room, and announced that we would have to REALLY just have the meeting QUICK QUICK QUICK because I was spending too much time on meetings and not enough time in between getting the work done.

As if the meetings were the problem. As if the real problem wasn't me, stuck between wanting to do too much and wanting to do nothing at all, afeard of hunkering down and doing anything. Stuck between a commercial acting career I'm not ready to let go of and the whatever-comes-next that I'm not quite ready to commit to. Stuck, stuck, stuck. Crabby, crabby, crabby.

Sealife91So this afternoon, I was stuck at an audition. No, really: I'd promised, so I couldn't back out. And it was a callback, for one of the five remaining products that still advertises on national network television, so Scrooge McColleen wouldn't let me back out even if Hooky-Mama Colleen wanted to. And I had nothing to entertain me but a notebook where I could either sort through the lists of things I'd not done or make more lists of the things I probably wouldn't get around to doing. And they were running an hour late. I was S-T-U-C-K. (And crab, well, you know.)

When they finally called in my little group, it was clear the crew on the other side of the camera, the ad folks, the producer, the director, had been there awhile. To their credit, they tried gamely to look interested, but really, how many ways are there to stare at a candy bar? We can't have been that compelling. So the chick with the lines did her schtick and was fine and the rest of us were fine and we did it a few times and it was all fine fine fine and then the director had me do the lines and I was fine and we all politely said "thank you" and filed out and I had that weird sort of desire that sometimes overtakes me after a frustrating hour and a half of audtioning to rip off all my clothes and run into traffic waving my arms and spouting gibberish...or something equally antisocial and inappropriate and tension-relieving. Only I didn't, I just mumbled something to the nice actress who was leaving with me and tried to either walk faster or slower so I could walk alone.

Sealife77But the nice actress, let's call her "Michelle", since that was her name, hung with me, doing the post-audition chit-chatty, de-briefy stuff that makes me crazy under the best of circumstances. And my brain is railing against the fake positivism and fake humility and fake camaraderie until finally she blurted out, "You were fucking hilarious in that last take." Well, maybe she didn't say "fucking"; maybe she used another, nicer adjective or maybe she just was emphatic. But she was emphatic, and, I swear, genuine; I actually looked at her to see if it was for real or that bullshitty, chit-chatty, de-briefy kind of faux compliment. And then she said a few more nice things, and we got in our cars and drove away.

And it occurred to me that yeah, I was...um...a little crabby today and perhaps disinclined to see the good in things. That perhaps stress had put me in a less-than-cheery mood and had made me a little antisocial. Still, there was enough truth and positivism in Michelle to shake me out of my crabbiness for a moment, to remind me that yeah, I was positive much of the time and it was genuine and dammit, it was also a helluva lot easier of an attitude to live with.

So, Michelle, regardless of what happens with me and my income and my health insurance for 2006, I hope you get that part. Because your attitude after waiting in a cramped room full of actors for an hour was a lot, lot better than mine and I think that should be rewarded. And also because...well...dammit, your take was fucking excellent, too. I was just too much of a crab to note it.

As for me? Well, I hope I get it, too...or something else, when my crab-O-meter dies down a bit. But mainly, I hope I remember next time to really & truly enjoy the next time. Because until I do the next thing, I want to do the thing I am doing all the way...

xxx
c

Searches, we get searchesâ„¢

searchesAll searches personally inspected for your safety and convenience. Rubik salutation (MSN)

"Greetings, dorkmeister!"

brain disease when eyes are closed black and white morphing and dancing symptoms are seen ? (AOL)

Survey says...Darwinism!

designer graphic grocery flyer (Yahoo)

Using both the words "designer" and "graphic" very, very loosely.

perversity in Shane Alan Ladd (Google)

Don't you hate how when you rent that tape it's always stopped at the same place?

"waikiki"+"couch"+"balcony"+"photo" (Yahoo)

"overly" + "specific" + "mathematics" + "punctuation" = "nutjob"

blog dating schadenfreude improv (Google)

When reality TV and performance art collide.

freakily addictive games for ALL ages (Google)

Geek family values.

schwag hippy fest fans (Yahoo)

"My loft-mates went to Burning Man and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

coastal girl wearing skin tight mini dress pantyhose heels down on ground feeling kryp (AOL)

We're sorry. Your search returned no results. Did you mean "Chip"?

Photo Albums Pituitary Tumors (MSN)

I smell a new Flickr group...

xxx c

Extensis® can kiss my Arsis

Here's one thing I learned pretty quickly in my capacity as self-taught designer: fonts suck. I mean, fonts RULE, they totally FUCKING rule, but they are delicate and unwieldy and fuck with your OS* like you wouldn't believe. For years, seven of 'em, as long as I've been doing this design stuff, I've suffered in silence (HA!) as my system froze, crashed, hung or otherwise made my life a living heck because of fucking font problems. For those same years, I've shelled out good money for font management software to try to lessen the pain of dealing with fucking font problems. (Of course, if I moved to web-based design instead of print, 99% of my font issues would vanish instantly, but hell, I can hardly be expected to give up the glamor that is low-end, gang-run print for the pedestrian world of web publishing. No...that would be too EASY.)

This weekend, I broke down and bought FontAgent Pro. Let me repeat that, and maybe scribble it in a notebook with "Mrs." and my name before it like a silly schoolgirl in love, FONT AGENT PRO!

As we say in SoCal, Dude...duuuuuuude!!!

It auto-activates in every goddam program, including Photoshop. It stays in the background until it's needed, instead of launching at startup and lurking on the desktop, causing trouble. Fonts launch in MILLISECONDS, I tell you, MILLISECONDS, instead of the minutes it was starting to take in That Other Font Management Program. There's a genius font-comparison panel built into the program's main window where you can line 'em up with your own sample text (fucking DUH!!!!)

And best of all, my OS has not hung, crashed or frozen once this weekend since installation. Not. Once.

So FUCK YOU, Extensis. And just so all the search engines can find it:

REASONS TO BUY FONT AGENT PRO and NOT Extensis Suitcase:

  1. FontAgent Pro compared to Suitcase KICKS ASS!!!
  2. Suitcase IS ass!!!
  3. FontAgent Pro is the only font managment software you should buy and is worth every bit of 99 bucks and finally, because from personal experience I know that this will show up in more searches than anything else I could ever write...
  4. FontAgent Pro. AND giant labia AND colorectal singalong AND Jane Kaczmerek naked.

Nyah nyah nyah.

(Sorry, Jane.)

Peace, out.

xxx c

Above graphics use Arsis, launched with FontAgent Pro, and lovingly crafted in Photoshop, which did NOT fucking crash during use due to evil Extensis Suitcase.

*OS = "operating system", in case you are even less geeky than me

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10 blogs...tag! You're it!

Computer_1I find great things from my occasional random tumbles down the rabbit hole, but there's a reason certain sites stick in my RSS aggregator: consistent high quality linkage for my surfing safety and enjoyment. I am also a big (albeit newfound) fan of the tag. I've gotten reinvolved with Flickr! lately when it finally struck me that I could use it as a thought-starting, idea-generating, creative-juicing tool rather than just an electronic shoebox for all my snapshots.

My loves dovetailed nicely a few days ago when I was catching up with Jeff Jarvis's excellent site and stumbled upon a post about collecting great blogs and sharing them...via tags, which I wish TypePad would get busy and implement, dammit.

Anyway, in a post about tagging, top-whatever lists and how relevant an issue it is (or should be) in the blogosphere, Jeff points to fellow blogger Steve Rubel's Top 10 list, which Rubel artfully turned into a meme ("10 Blogs I Would Take to a Desert Island") via a Technorati tag. Lovely symmetry, that.

So, as my way of giving back to the blogosphere, and of showing how arbitrary all lists are...

  1. For consistent, laugh-out-loud hilarity, Go Fug Yourself!
  2. For snark, sass, wit and kickass reading lists, The Old Hag
  3. For my design porn fix, Cool Hunting
  4. For thoughtstarting, link-following and all-around cultural hoo-hah, my beautiful Blowhards
  5. For compulsive readability, dooce
  6. For my intellectual design porn fix, Design Observer
  7. For outside the box thinking, Seth Godin's blog
  8. For damn-the-wingnuts, full-speed-ahead punditry, Eschaton
  9. For my geek porn fix, 43 Folders (and the wiki...ooo, the wiki...)
  10. For all that is my adoptive city, blogging.la

Pass it on...

xxx c

TECHNORATI TAGS: , ,