The dreaded dread, redux

Just when I thought it had been forever vanquished, I felt a bout of the Dreaded Dread coming on again. You know the drill:

  • I can't open this bill.
  • I can't bring up how I want to change the blog: I'll get fired.
  • I know I'm going to get screwed by this online vendor.
  • Sweet baby Jeebus, not a rollerskating party.
  • I'll never get rid of this damned cold.

Whatever the reason, age, experience, a super-clean apartment, I felt the dread and did it anyway. And lo, a series of amazing results:

  • The bill was high...but not as bad as the dread.
  • I brought it up...and was thanked for doing so.
  • I emailed (politely) anyway...and got a full credit.
  • It was horrible; it was magical.
  • I'm still sick.

Well, four out of five ain't bad.

Hell, the fifth ain't that bad, either.

Hell's-bells-Little-Nell! Maybe it was the cold that brought on this can-do, Calvinist/Pollyanna attitude.

Nah. It's the clean apartment...

xxx c

If anyone knows who took the awesome photo above and (I think) posted it to Flickr, please let me know so I can give credit. I somehow forgot to the first time, too. Groan...dread...groan...

The Black Dahlia, L.A. noir and a not-so-brief musing on period acting

luminous dahlia I'm a huge fan of period L.A.

Doesn't really matter what the period is: turn of the century, '20s, Depression era, Dragnet era, I love looking at how this crazy city-that's-not-really-a-city came together because to me (and hang on, Easterners), Los Angeles is the quintessentially American city. There has always been an element of frontier thinking here, an anything-goes, Wild West, winner-take-all mentality. It's a new place (like America), it's a brash, commercial place (like America), it's a wildly creative place (like America) with little-to-no sense of perspective or respect for history (like America), and it's filled with an insane variety of people from somewhere else (like...oh, hell, you get the picture).

I'm also a huge fan of Brian De Palma, whom I think is a killer (no pun intended) reteller of stories: Phantom of the Paradise; Carrie; Blow Out; Dressed to Kill.

So it stood to reason The Black Dahlia would kick ass, right? De Palma + post-war L.A. + James Ellroy noir-a-liciousness = tasty treat for eyes, ears and brain.

Unfortunately (or not, for those of us without a bajillion dollars to tell stories), a show is ultimately only as good as its storytelling, and the storytelling in this case was hugely hampered by, well, the story, which (in all fairness to De Palma) had to be hell to unsnarl and bring to the screen, and the acting, which was dreadfully out of context.

I never understood acting and context until I started taking acting classes myself. I always thought it was ridiculous when people defended the typically British, outside-in school of acting over the typically American, inside-out, un-school. And the value of stage training seemed lost on me as well: what the hell good was stage training when most of the theatrically-trained actors you saw in movies from the 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's seemed hammy & over the top? It seemed to me their training made them less believable, not more.

But film actors in earlier days hadn't figured out the technical skillset that film acting required. They were as lazy or arrogant about learning the new medium as modern, mostly young and exclusively film actors are about learning the fundamentals of craft.

Film acting, the good kind anyway, requires both. It demands presence, which is incredibly difficult to teach (some would say impossible), and, on a sliding scale, technical skill, which is relatively easy to teach to a willing student.

Now, there are plenty of minimally skilled actors who can blow you away onscreen because of their ability to let their insides be seen...if nothing else is required of them. But the value of stage work (and outside-in work in general) is that it increases the vocabulary of the body exponentially and, when you throw in the presence thing, results in the kinds of performances that can both live in the world that the film is creating and rise above it. (Think Ellen Burstyn in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore or Meryl Streep in just about anything.)

Period work in film (or on stage, really) has its own set of challenges. Because of course, our idea of what is period-appropriate is shaped largely by the movies themselves, not too many of us were around for the original thing if it happened much before the 1950s. But morés were different, language (both high and low) was different, If nothing else, garments and furnishings and food and noise levels were different. Yes, people are people and feelings are feelings, but the actions of the people and expression of the feelings is shaped by the era (and sometimes the foundation garment...or sudden lack thereof).

I realized why I was so disappointed within the first five minutes of The Black Dahlia: I had expectations of greatness based on the trailer, which was fantastic. But you can cut around an awful lot in a trailer, and just show the good stuff, highly photogenic people, made up to look just right in period clothing; stunning backdrops and design; evocative music.

Unfortunately, when the tricks are stripped away, you're left with a bunch of rookie players who, in this case, were not up to the game. I hope they see this film and either go back to school or to playing within their comfort zone.

Of course, what I really hope is that someone in power will get a fresh look at one of the go-to players and put her in the opening lineup...

xxx c

Photo by *YourGuide via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

New design/portfolio site up!

communicatrix DESIGNS logoWell, a mere five months later, we have launch! With the able coding assistance of master (or is that 'meister'?) programmer, Michael Grosch, my new friend from Germany (by way of Austin, TX and SXSW), I've finally got the communicatrix | designs site up and running.

It's brand new, so there may be a missing link or two, but overall, I couldn't be happier with the results. Please do drop by and take a peek...and if you would, drop back here and let me know what you think.

Next up? The communicatrix | presents site, along with a complete overhaul (or at least, a serious retooling) of my presentation design portfolio. Four days at Son of NerdFest (a.k.a. PowerPoint Live 2006) and the underwhelmed reaction of one of the rockstars in the presentation design business made it painfully clear that I've gotten waaaaay too lazy about keeping my output updated.

But that's an electronic story for another day...

xxx c

LINK: communicatrix | designs

New GBSBS up!

Once again, yours truly has contributed to the riotous tips-fest that is Chris Brogan and Becky McCray's Great Big Small Business Show. This week's topic? Organization. Now you might think that since I have been so public about my inability to become sufficiently organized that I would have bupkus to talk about, but you would be wrong wrong wrong. After all, who better to understand the pitfalls of clutter than someone who lives in perpetual fear of being subsumed by it?

The full line-up:

Ted Demopoulos Benjamin Yoskovitz Becky McCray Chris Brogan Heidi Miller Steve Rucinski Colleen Wainwright

All those other people? They have much better tips than I do. But hey, someone has to be the comic relief...

xxx c

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 21: The sprint that winded me

have a seat You would think it would be easier to clean your damned apartment than to adjust your mood. Yet this second of my 21-day salutes was way, way harder, and not just because I'm a slob.

Making the first meditation about something as obvious as focusing on the happy made the process of writing about it much more straightforward. I either had an obvious blessing conk me on the head or I was tasked with taking something, anything, and finding the good in it. Either way, a relatively easy writing process.

To write about cleaning? Harder. Much, much harder. I know that there are people who make a nice living writing about cleaning (more so, probably, than the people who actually clean), but I wasn't interested in "just" writing about cleaning. (Although I was happy to give people a few pointers...Neil.)

This whole here blog thing is about process. Specifically, about taking the parts of my process that I can share and doing so, in the hope that some lucky soul will either enjoy the telling of it or learn from my foibles and foible not themselves. Both, if we're lucky.

It's my process, too, of course. But what I was doing wasn't so easy to clarify until yesterday, on Day 20 of this maddening cleaning thing, when I was on the phone with Lily and she casually brought up how she was enjoying the blog lately because I seemed to have found a way "to externalize my process."

Which just goes to show you: wisdom is like the perfect stiletto heel, you'll never find it when you're out there looking. You just have to sit back, relax and trust that eventually, when the time is right, it'll find its way to you...

xxx c

Photo by Esther17 via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 20: I can see and hear clearly now

spring cleaning two After being out of town and just plain out of commission, today found me both home and feeling over my cold enough to catch up with my beloved Lily.

I made a decision awhile ago to stop multitasking during real phone conversations, since it's not possible for me to have a quality talk with split focus. But I find I get mad spilkes when I have to sit and focus with no visual stimulus or physical activity. I'm okay if I'm hanging out with a friend and we're 'just' talking, I'm okay driving a car and listening to the radio, but I cannot JUST sit and talk on the phone or JUST sit and listen to music. (Oddly, I can just sit and watch a movie or even TV, but I feel sick if I JUST watch TV. That might be JUST conditioning, though, Ole Golly and my mom felt pretty much the same way about the idiot box.)

Anyway, I'd been Getting To Empty in preparation for my trip tomorrow, but that required mental energy, which I wanted to have fully focused on Lily. I stopped as soon as I got on the phone, but sitting still was starting to make me panicky. Not good.

Then, while I was up getting a drink of water, I absentmindedly picked up a sponge and started cleaning the window screen in the kitchen. Instantly, I felt my focus return, laser-like, to our conversation. So I got out the all-purpose cleaner and wiped down the vertical blinds. And then the glass cleaner and cleaned all the slats so they could go back into the jalousie windows for fall.

And lo, an hour and a half later, not only were Lily and I massively caught up on events large and small over the past month, my whole apartment looked amazing.

Everybody wins.

Despite my highly competitive nature, that really is my favorite thing...

xxx c

Photo by webschepper via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 19: Clearing time clutter

expiration date Yesterday, I made it formal: I talked to my agent about saying bye-bye to acting.

Now, it's not like this has been a banner year for me, acting-wise; it's been my worst year since the commercial strike. I'm hitting a weird time, age-wise, and the business has changed a lot, too. Auditions were down anyway, to the point where the few people with whom I discussed my potential move wondered why I would actively take myself out of the game. Why not just go to whatever auditions were left and pursue what I wanted in my down time.

But I was starting to notice two things about auditioning. Either I was mainly happy being there to see all the friends I've made over the years or I resented being there at all for the time it was stealing from things I wanted to be doing more. Not good, either of them.

And there is a great, great power in working clean, admitting out loud, to yourself and the universe, that this is what you want. This.

So I'm out. Or on hiatus, as my lovely agent said we should put it.

But really, no matter how you slice it, there are big changes afoot.

And I wouldn't have it any other way...

xxx c

Photo by Tartanna via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 18: Staying Afloat

olivia's apple ship If you've been keeping up (and if you haven't, why not?!), you know that I timed this particular 21-day 'salute' a little poorly, forgetting that I had a three-day conference that would fall squarely in the middle.

The point of these 'salutes', for me, anyway, because I can't speak for you, dear reader, is to replace an old habit with a new one: in this case, letting things get wildly out of control rather than taking care of things day by day, bit by bit, and tackling the bigger things as time allows.

So far, I'm pleased to say, it's been working. Especially given the presence of an additional, trash-generating human being on the premises for the last week, things stayed remarkably under control. Committing to a few daily tasks helped enormously; knowing the bed was made, the dishes done each night, the trash emptied went a long way towards both peace of mind and general crap level.

I picked up some bug in the desert, so I doubt I'll get much major cleaning done in the home stretch. But the habit seems to be in place, so I also doubt I'll be left with a trash heap to sort through when I'm finally feeling 100% again. I'm not pushing too hard; I'm doing what I feel up to, mainly the dishes, the bed and some minor clutter-clearing.

And I'm asking for help when I need it. The BF was working on some pretty tight deadlines yesterday, but was still gracious to step up and use one of his 10-minute breaks to do the dishes when I asked. He even took the trash downstairs completely unprompted, thereby making himself even smoking-hotter in my eyes than he was before.

So that's my takeaway thus far from this little experiment: (a), slow and steady wins the race.

And (b), you will get laid better and more often if you learn to take out the trash on your own steam...

xxx c

Image by chrysophylax via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

The Lost Weekend

palm springs I'm back from a three-day spree in the desert. Usually, these trips involve prodigious amounts of whooping it up; this time, it was me and 200 of my new-best nerd friends, hanging out, talking shop about...talking.

I might get around to talking about talking (or speaking, as they call it) more at a later date. In fact, I'm doing a debrief of TalkFest 2006 over at The Marketing Mix tomorrow, in case you want to hear about me and the nerds (and I say that with the greatest affection: me LOVE nerds).

The short of it is two things: the more I do, the more I realize I am the only one who can do it. (I might also be the only one interested in me doing it, but that's another story.) Only me, only you, that whole Martha Graham/quickening thing.

And the more I do, the more I get excited about doing more. More transactions. More ideas put out into the marketplace. More love, more fun, more craziness, more risks, albeit more of the kind that will put me somewhere interesting, not in the hospital.

Anyway. For what it's worth.

Oh, and one more thing: the more time I spend with him, the more I am blown away by the unparallelled awesomeness of The BF. He went above and beyond the call this weekend, was delightful to all, helped me enormously by contributing his time and prodigious skillz for nothing and added a thousandfold to my enjoyment of the proceedings.

A lucky, lucky way to kick off Birthday Week...

xxx c

P.S. No I haven't forgotten Cleaning My Damned Apartment. And in case I had, the dirt decided to throw a party and invite the extended family. Oy. Happy Birthday Week to me...

Image by The BF, who takes one nice picture no matter which side of the camera he's on

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 17: Poetry Thursday edition

cliff's echo

That stack of papers.

You know, that stack.

The one you've been stumbling over
on the way to the bed
for four months,
since you dropped them there...

The one that went from white
to dusty gray
to black with hair,
both yours
and the dust bunnies'...

The one
you put down
for just
one
second...

Today
I moved that stack of papers
to a permanent home
in a covered, plastic bin
in its own semi-private sector
of the closet.

Of course
by "permanent"
I mean
"until next time"

If there's one thing I've learned
since I started this thing,
it's that nothing
lasts forever

Especially dusting...
xxx
c

Photo by Douglas - westbound via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

the communicatrix elsewhere: The Marketing Mix!

colleen bugToday marks the launch of a new, collaborative venture I'm really excited about. It's called The Marketing Mix, and it's the official blog of Ilise Benun & Peleg Top's amazing coaching and consulting business, Marketing Mentor. Full disclosure: I am not just the webmistress for the Marketing Mentor blog; I'm also a client. I was turned on to Peleg's famous Pricing & Marketing Workshop for designers via uber-networker and class-A unsophisticated bastard, Spencer Cross; it was such a transfomative day that I signed on as a coaching client with his partner, Ilise, almost immediately after that, despite an almost overwhelming skepticism towards coaching as a viable concept.

Color me converted.

In case you haven't noticed from reading communicatrix-dot-com, in the four months since Ilise and I started working together, I...: did (blogging) standup; got my logo and business cards finished; went to 10 networking events and one conference; picked up two new clients; designed a line of Famous Angeleo "trading cards" for blogging.la, got hired to write a monthly column for actual cash money; did a slot on a brand new podcast (with a business topic, no less) and did all my regular-usual work at the same time.

What's next? Who knows. A long, long nap is in order, that's for sure. Then again, I still don't have the websites up.

And Michael Blowhard has been after me to start a video podcast...

xxx c

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 16: Eyesore repair

cleaning lady Today I: washed the dishes; did the laundry; scrubbed out the toilet, the bathroom vanity and the kitchen sink; threw away the rotted old flowers from last week; and am on my way out with the garbage AND the recycling.

I am charwoman, hear me roar...

xxx c

Photo by bulent_yusef via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 15: Don't forget your shower shoes!

toes in tub Not, like the past two weeks, because of what you might catch in the scum-centric ecosystem that was my tub floor, but because it is newly smooth as a freshly-Zamboni'd ice rink and you might land on your ass.

Now if only I could find time for a soak with my new roomie...

xxx c

Photo by O Caritas via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

the communicatrix elsewhere: LAcasting.com

communicatrix bizI'm bad! I'm nationwide! Well, not really, but thanks to my good friend, Matt North, I'm the newest columnist at LACasting.com (a division of Casting Networks, Inc., and the main actor submission service used for commercial auditioners), where the first installment of my monthly column on All Things Acting is up for anyone who wants to see it.

September's topic? "Client-Proof Tape" (or, "How not to be a complete jackass at your audition").

Enjoy!

xxx c

the communicatrix elsewhere: The Great Big Small Business Show

For those of you who are dying to know what the communicatrix's semi-lisp-tinged, full-on Chicago accented voice sounds like, you can catch me on Episode 4 of The Great Big Small Business Show yakking about networking. Hint: I'm the one who sounds the least businesslike...

xxx c

P.S. Thanks to Chris Brogan and Becky McCray for having me, and to the connectrix herself, Ms. Heidi Miller, for being the center from which we all radiate outwards...

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 14: Cleaning The BF's Damned House

moving day Yes, the fleas that started it all have worked their evil magic on The BF as well. He's on a cleaning/organizing/fumigating tear lately: we spent the day moving stuff up to the attic in preparation for the floor refinisher's arrival at My Country House on Wednesday.

Meanwhile, we've lugged a whole bunch of The BF's stuff to my teeny outpost here on the edge of K-Town so that he has a place to live/work/breathe while the floors are curing there.

I guess we'll see how well I clean when there's hardly any space in which to do it...

xxx c

Photo by lahrwolf2006 via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 13: Time to make the doughnuts

thriller There wasn't a lot of time to tackle new cleaning projects yesterday: it was mostly about clearing project-projects off of my desk. Which I did, to the tune of three.

I even unloaded a couple of fresh packs of address labels I'd never gotten around to using on one of my more beloved clients, the fabulous Miz Jones, after we played cut-and-paste with the mock-up of our latest magnum opus: a presentation leave-behind for potential backers of her latest opera, Songs and Dances of Imaginary Lands.

No, yesterday was not about me tackling Mr. Skanky Fridge or me scrubbing out the bathtub (which desperately needs it, I mean, ew!) But as I blasted through my to-do list before heading out to a friend's wedding with The BF, I did note how, just over halfway through this experiment, things are subtly starting to shift for me. Because the one thing I have been adamant about through this process is keeping up with the little things.

Like making my bed, every day.

Like emptying the clean dishes from the drainer, every morning.

Like clearing my desktop, both computer and real world, of detritus, every night.

It's keeping me calmer. It's giving me breathing room and space to create. It's, I swear to you, making me more productive.

I used to hate routine chores. To me, they felt like just another iteration of the hobgoblin of little minds. But I had the quotation wrong: it's foolish consistency that's the hobgoblin. Some habits, kindness, thoughtfulness, mindfulness, are excellent habits that provide a foundation for great things in life.

Now I see these annoying little tasks as kindnesses I lavish upon myself: small gifts of time and attention to make me feel good. And maybe, just maybe, by making my tiny world a little better and myself feel a little more tended to, I send a happier me out to interact with the world. And then (ohboyohboyohboy) maybe I'm actually making the world a little better of a place for everyone else to live in.

So today, I will wash my morning dishes. Brush my teeth. Empty the trash. (I've made the bed already.) And not with a heavy heart, but by choice, because having these things done makes every part of life better.

And then, I'll get back to work, also by choice. On Labor Day.

Because then, on some random Tuesday afternoon or Thursday morning, I can play.

Consistent wisdom sprinkled with inconsistent foolishness, that's the ticket...

xxx c

Photo by X-travaluemeal#2 via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license.

Cleaning My Damned Apartment, Day 12: Books, suits and flow

bookstore I don't know why I have always had such a hard time letting go of stuff, but I have. Chalk it up to fear, I guess: fear of abandonment, of change, of never knowing which end was up and wanting something to cling to in the storm.

The good news? The dumping gets easier with time. It definitely gets easier when you've gone four or five rounds of being the final dumping ground for ancestral artifacts. Enough, already; I may not want to be able to move everything in my car again, but I'd like to be able to move freely about the apartment.

Today I took four bags of books to my favorite used book store, the Iliad, in its 'new' digs in North Hollywood. Amazingly, I took my trade chit and got the hell out without buying one book. I do still have another two-and-a-half bags to dispense, but The BF told me about his favorite used book store in Glendale, so maybe I'll try that next.

What I always find remarkable when I am able to let go of things is how it instantly creates room for other things to flow in. Not that I'm in a rush to fill empty space, I like empty space now, I don't fear it, but as I unload old books and clothes and movies that no longer serve, the things I am looking for appear as easily and gracefully as if a paid factotum had spirited them there.

Like two jackets, a suit, a shirt to go under them and a crazy, "And then there's Maude" burgundy coat to throw on top. I am going to be one styling motherfucker come fall. One styling motherfucker with a lot less crap to worry about.

And at least as much to look forward to...

xxx c

Photo of man in a suit in a bookstore (!!!) by idiotkings via Flickr, used under a Creative Commons license. And no, that ain't North Hollywood...it's in the Netherlands.